Because beneath all the outward trappings of being a famous pop-star, she had always felt like the insecure outsider who nobody would really want. The girl in glasses who’d been laughed at whenever she’d actually made it into school. The girl with the shabby second-hand clothes and the promiscuous mother. Her view of life had been warped by her experience and she guessed that had been inevitable. She had never seen a relationship which worked and she had certainly never seen one which lasted. Was it any wonder that she’d had no idea about how to proceed with her own marriage?
She had tried to accept Xenon’s overwhelming control of their lives—her life—as something normal within a marriage. But she hadn’t really known what ‘normal’ was. She remembered how eager she’d been to please. How terrified she’d been of doing the wrong thing. Like a tightrope walker, she had stuck to the route he’d set out for her, never daring to deviate nor to look down in case she might fall.
And by doing that, hadn’t she made herself yet another responsibility to add to the load already pressing down on his shoulders?
‘I tried as hard as I could to make it work,’ she said. ‘But I can see now that I allowed myself to become completely dominated by the force of your personality and your power. And that wasn’t fair—not to either of us.’
‘We should have talked about it.’
‘But it’s impossible to communicate with somebody who’s never there.’
Their eyes met and when he spoke his voice was grave. ‘So what if I tell you that I recognise I wasn’t there for you? Not just when you lost the baby but afterwards. And maybe some time before that, too.’ He saw the way she flinched. ‘And what If I told you that I will ensure that never happens again? That I will learn to accept the things over which I have no control—what then, Lex? Are you really willing to just give up on all the good things which still exist between us? The compatibility and the chemistry and the...’ His blue eyes blazed a slow trail over her face. ‘The unbelievable fire.’
For a moment Lexi didn’t answer. Her mind was buzzing as she tried to find the right response. He was so clever with words and she was not. Years of negotiating at the top end of the business world had guaranteed him the slick gift of persuasion. He could probably sell hot chocolate on a baking hot beach and convince people it was the next best thing.
But how much of his declaration was about his wounded pride—about the fact that she had been the one who had walked out? For a man of Xenon’s standing, that would not have looked good. He’d told her that he’d never failed at anything. Wasn’t it possible that his suggestion they give their relationship another go was simply being driven by his ego?
Deep down she doubted whether he could ever be the kind of man who would just accept things. How would that work when for him control came as easily as breathing?
She shook her head. ‘It’s not a question of “giving up” but more a case of letting go. Too much has happened.’ Now she could feel the light trail of his thumb against her pulse. Could he tell how frantically it was beating? Did he know that she was having the fight of her life against her own desires? ‘I’m not the right kind of woman for you.’
‘You don’t think that I should be the one to decide that?’
‘Let’s just say I’m helping you out.’ She lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘You only want me because you can’t have me.’
‘No, Lex. I want you because I want you.’
Lexi met the unyielding expression in his eyes as a silent tussle of wills took place. But she had learnt plenty from her time living with him—and she knew that fighting him was no good. It never had been any good, because he always had to win. So why not meet him halfway? There was nothing wrong with indulging their physical needs while she was here, even if their other needs could never be met. Sooner or later it was inevitable that Xenon would come to the same conclusion as her and, until he did, why not just enjoy the chemistry he’d spoken of? She brushed her fingers over his lips.
‘Enough of the heavy stuff. Come on, Xenon—think about your sister and baby Ianthe’s special day. Isn’t that why we’re here? Hmm?’ She dodged the kiss he aimed at her lips. ‘So I am going to take a shower and I don’t care what you say—because you are not going to change my mind!’
He found himself laughing as he watched her get up from the bed with a grace which had once transfixed concert-goers the world over—himself included. Except that none of her fans would have recognised the woman who was heading for the bathroom. He thought how unselfconsciously beautiful she looked, naked but for that geeky pair of glasses, her strawberry-blonde hair cascading down to her waist.