Because you never truly told her.
In truth, he realised,she’drun away before he could. And she was avoiding him now. She’d not responded to his message checking she was okay, making it clear it wasn’t his business to know anymore.
But his heart begged to differ.
Darcie couldn’t miss her visit with Lily. Even though she was heartbroken and struggling to hide it, she needed to show up for the little girl. She was never letting Lily experience that feeling of being let down, not ever from her. Fortunately the playground was busy and Lily was keen to race up and down the slide, needing little help from Darcie. It was enough for her just to be there.
‘Elias is busy with work,’ she’d explained briefly to both Lily and the social worker. She’d need to work on a better explanation when it came to revising the application forms, but she’d deal with that in a day or so. It was enough to get through today.
‘Yes, he explained.’ The social worker had smiled. ‘But it’s good he’s able to do some of the modules online, though. So he won’t fall behind.’
Darcie had stilled, then quickly nodded as if she’d known all along that had been his intention. But her lungs were still constricted and she was forced to take shorter breaths. Elias was still completing some of the foster parent training modules? Why would he want to? Was it simply because the man didn’t like leaving things unfinished or did he still want to be involved in some way? It had been obvious he’d come to like Lily and that he’d wanted the best for her as Darcie did. But surely now they were no longer together he didn’t need to do that? And had he actually gone away? Where to? For how long? For the first time in years Darcie didn’t know his schedule and she hated it.
That night she couldn’t sleep. Again. Her small bed seemed so empty, her room so silent. She missed the heat, the closeness, the soft laughter in the small hours when they teased each other. She missedhim. Terribly. And as she lay, wakeful and her mind whirring, a shaft of uncertainty pierced through the fierce armour she’d been trying to knit back together. Whywashe still doing the training if he’d been so determined to ensure Darcie had complete financial independence and thus could care for Lily alone?
What if she was somehow wrong about that? But how else could she take that horrible postnuptial contract? It had assumed an end to their marriage after all, hadn’t it? Though what if he’d not meant to push them away quite so soon?
She struggled to remember his expression when he’d handed her the paperwork. Had he meant for it all to be over then and there? Or could she have had even just a little longer as his lover? But if she’d stayed, if she’d accepted less, then when he did finally pull away it would only hurt more because she would have fallen ever deeper in love with him during that time...
Yet Darcie didn’t think anything could hurt as much as her heart did now. And now there was more than uncertainty, there was something more insidious, more dangerous. Now there was curiosity—and it brought along its even more dangerous cousin—the thinnest thread ofhope. Because he’d shut down so quickly—hiding his emotions, his thinking. Because that’s what he did when he was vulnerable. So did how he felt about her make him vulnerable in some way?
Don’t dream. She tried to contain that unhelpful ache. In the morning she made herself aplan. Practical, achievable, realistic. She was a survivor and that’s what survivors did. Firstly she needed a bigger flat if she were going to apply to foster Lily on her own. For that she needed work. But she had good skills and with a decent internet connection she should be able to get enough contract work she could complete from home until Lily was school age. Then she’d look for school hours. She signed up with her old agency and added another couple, finally in a place where she was no longer afraid to fully fight for this. She finally believed in herself enough to do this on her own.
The knock on her door startled her. For a second she froze, and then that hope—horrible, breath-stealing hope—skyrocketed. Hand pressed to her chest, she rose on tiptoe to check the security peephole. But while it was a familiar face, it was not the one she wanted. She opened the door and leaned against the edge as disappointment sucked the strength from her limbs.
‘Hey, Shaun,’ she muttered. ‘You okay?’
He regarded her sombrely, guilt flickering as he nodded. ‘Are you?’
She nodded and stepped back.
‘I won’t come in,’ he said quickly. ‘I just wanted to tell you I’ve reversed that payment. Your money should show in your account in a couple of hours.’
She blinked. That was sonotwhat she’d expected. ‘But what about your business? I really want you to have a crack at that...it’s okay. Honestly.’
‘It’s not okay.’ He sighed and looked skyward for a second. ‘I’m sorry, Darcie. And so ashamed. You know I struggle...to commit to anything much. Anyone. And I avoid the...chances.’
For a moment Darcie couldn’t speak. Those words—those issues—struck deep within her. ‘I know. I get it.’
Because she was the same. It was the legacy of having chances offered, then stolen away too many times. Of having dreams flattened and unfulfilled. After a while one avoided reaching for them. One avoided therisk.
‘I don’t need the marriage thing to try to get Lily,’ she said, trying to reassure him. ‘That was just me being insecure about my own abilities, too.’ She offered a wan smile. ‘But I want you to have the money. You can pay me back once you’re up and running and can afford to, but don’t give up this chance.’ She wantedoneof them to succeed insomethingand she knew he could make a go of this if he let himself really try.
‘I’m not,’ Shaun said gruffly. ‘I found another backer.’
‘You did?’ The wind was sucked from her lungs again. ‘Oh.’
He didn’t need her.
‘Actually, he found me.’ Shaun looked rueful. ‘Turns out that guy’s actually okay. I was the jerk. I should have been in touch so much sooner. But I...’ He shrugged.
Darcie stared, stuck on what—who—he meant. “That guy?’ Was he talking aboutElias? ‘Are you saying Elias has given you the funding?’
‘He, uh, wanted to keep it quiet but I didn’t want to hide it from you, Darcie.’ He dragged in a breath. ‘It’s great you want to help Lily and I really hope it works out... I’m sorry...’
‘It’s okay.’ She realised how much it hurt to be reminded of someone you loved and had lost. ‘I shouldn’t have asked you. It was me being afraid to fight on my own.’
‘Yeah.’ He shifted on his feet awkwardly. ‘I’d better go.’