“She was so bright and passionate about everything. She was so kind and caring… She was a lot like you, in fact. The more I think about it, the more I’m sure you would have loved each other, and then she was just… gone.” He cleared his throat. “The soil had not yet settled on her grave when my father brought home another lady to share his bed, erasing any memory of my mother and what she represented. He forbade me from crying or talking about her so as not to upset his young, shiny new wife.” His words dripped with bitterness and pain. It was quite a dangerous combination.
I gasped and held my breath as I felt the bed dip and he tentatively moved closer to me. Carefully, he settled against my back, spooning me while wrapping his arm around me and resting his big hand against my pregnant belly.
His warm cocoon felt delicious and I wanted to sink into it while logic told me to push him away, at least until he finished his story, but his show of both vulnerability and tenderness kept me locked in place.
He kissed the top of my head and took a deep breath. “She was already pregnant; even at only five, I heard people talk and my grandfather had a lot to say about my father and his new toy, as he called her. I took this anger out on Ethan and I know it was unfair, of course, but I was five and grieving and I felt that the baby was there to steal the little I had left. I became the perfect son—well, perfect by my heartless father’s standards. I buried everything that was part of the momma’s boy I'd been and I worked hard to become my father’s golden standard.” He let out a humorless laugh, tightening his hold on me. “This is why I almost never come here and why I never accepted the presence of any St-John here. This house is full of my mother’s story and when I’m here, it’s so hard to keep all the memories buried. It’s so hard not to feel.”
“And you did all this for me? Live in a place that tortures you with unwanted feelings?” I reached for his hand, my fingers cold as ice on his warm skin, surprising myself for even doing so. I brought his hand up, holding it against my heart as if the beating could soothe him somehow.
He breathed sharply and snuggled closer than I thought was humanly possible, fusing his body to mine.
“I know it’s hard to believe me after everything I did, but there isn’t much I would not do for you.”
My heart accelerated to the speed of a hummingbird's wings.
“I’ve always prided myself on being an intelligent man, but I realized since I’ve met you, how much I was lacking in all matters of the heart. I have to admit, albeit reluctantly, that it took Ethan's guidance to accept the unfamiliarity of what I am experiencing around you. It’s irrational and all-consuming. I mean, for the love of God, I considered losing millions, just because I couldn’t bear the thought of Hardings even kissing you.”
I couldn’t help the little satisfied smile that spread across my face and I was pleased he could not see it. I felt petty at feeling satisfaction and warmth at his turmoil.
“You were jealous. It happens to all of us.”
“Insanely so, and it doesn’t, not to me. I never cared enough before. I can’t say I’m overly keen on it.”
I let out a little laugh this time. “It can be exhausting,” I admitted.
“It really can, but I don’t want to be the miserable bastard my father is. He thinks he’s living but he’s not, at least not the way I realize I want to live. Ask me again?” he added with a voice so deep that I felt it vibrate from his chest to my back.
I knew what he meant, what he wanted me to ask, and it took me a few seconds before gathering all the courage I would need to do so. It was like taking a plunge again into an ocean that I knew only too well could be cold and unmerciful.
It was yet another leap of faith and I had been convinced until a few hours ago that I had none left.
“Ava,nafasam, ask me again.”
His use of Persian to call me ‘his breath’ overshadowed any of my apprehension, and I turned in his arms, locking eyes with his hazel gaze filled with an emotional turmoil that had to be hurtful.
“Why should I stay?” The question came out in a thin, reedy voice.
Hugo removed a strand of hair from my forehead in a gentle gesture, before rolling it around his forefinger.
"The idea of letting anyone close to me has always terrified me for reasons I could never fully explain or even comprehend. But the truth is, I can't imagine waking up knowing that I won't see you." He paused, letting go of my hair and tracing my face with his fingertips so softly as if I were glass. "The truth is, I’ve fallen in love with you, Ava Byrnes."
I gasped at his words, the truth of his statement written all over his face. Seeing Hugo without his guard up was magnificent, his vulnerability making him even more beautiful than he ever was.
"I want you to stay because I’m so in love with you, Ava. Because of everything you represent. You are light and love, courage and compassion. Everything that my life was lacking so cruelly and it was fine because I was so blindly unaware, but I am so hopelessly and helplessly reaching for all of this now, all of you. Because now that you’ve been here, I can't imagine this house without you in it. Because I want you. Because I need you. Because…" He stopped and swallowed, his Adam's apple quivering with the emotions probably clogging his throat as they were clogging mine.
He let out a frustrated sigh. “For the first time, it feels like my extensive vocabulary and education provided by the most prestigious establishments a man could attend are failing me. Or maybe there are simply no words left to describe what I feel for you and what you could represent for my future.”
“Why don’t you try?” I encouraged him, my voice thick with unshed tears.
He kissed the tip of my nose. "I love you. I'm in love with you. You're the love most people aspire to and never find. I can't breathe at the thought of a future without you. I have not had a good night’s sleep since that fateful night when I saw you at that bar. It was you,onlyyou. I hated Ethan because he had you and then I hated him because you loved him. I was jealous of any kind of love you gave anyone else because I wanted it. I would willingly let the world burn to keep you and our child safe. If anything were to happen to you, I would not survive it. Well, Iwouldbut I wouldn’t want to, not now that I know what it’s like to feel the way you make me feel. You are my shot at happiness, so don’t walk away. Give me a chance to love you, to make you happy. This side of me exists only for you, Ava."
I leaned in, closing the distance between our faces and brushed my lips against his. "For someone who is not experienced with romance, Hugo St-John, you're doing very,verywell.” I brought my hand up to cradle his cheek. "Nothing is going to happen to me or to our child. I'm here and I'll stay. I’m in love with you too, Hugo. All I ever wanted was for you to love me back."
Barriers broken, emotions laid bare, there was nothing else to do but to kiss him again.
His hand on my back tensed as he pulled me closer against him, taking over the kiss, first slowly, gently… tentative.
I whimpered against his mouth as all the pent-up emotions and desire rose to the surface and his kisses became more urgent, demanding, dominating and I could feel him harden in his trousers.