It doesn’t evoke a specific memory, but a feeling. The feeling I had in the meadow when I couldn’t save my mother or myself, the feeling of looking over my shoulder for years, waiting for Tomas to rip Valentina away from me.
For years, I’ve combated the feeling by controlling everything I can. Sure, it’s maladaptive, but it worked—until I met the man who craves control even more than I do.
“I’m not an invalid. You don’t need to bathe me.” I grab the bottle of conditioner, but he doesn’t let go.
“I’m not easy, Daniela. I’ll never be easy, and we will never have the kind of marriage little girls dream about. But I can take care of you the way you deserve. If you let me.”
The steam has taken over every corner of the shower, but through the fog, I see the emotion in his face. I feel how much it costs him to open his heart to me.It’s staggering.
I stand and drag my hand over two days’ worth of stubble, enjoying the rough prickle on my fingertips.
“Little girls don’t all have the same dreams. Some of us dream about dark princes, on dark horses, who defy danger, bravely slaying dragons and monsters. I’ll take the extravagant library and the glass slippers, and even the little mice who chatter endlessly, but in my heart, I’m a dirtyPrincesa, and I want the dark fairy tale. The one with the dangerous, broody prince who has a good soul that he never allows anyone to see.” I stroke his jaw. “I can take care of you, too, if you let me.”
He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth. His eyes never leave mine. “You deserve more than me. So much more.”
I shake my head. “What I deserve is what every girl and every woman deserves: to choose my own fairy tale, and my own prince. Tradition and outdated customs be damned.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It is, Antonio. You’re too close to see it, but it’s not a novel idea. That kind of freedom will strengthen our world rather than weaken it.”
A muscle in his jaw twitches. “You would have never chosen me after your father died, or if I’d gone to Fall River and asked you to come home.” Anguish is woven around each word.
“I don’t know. Maybe not.” It pains me to tell him, but it’s the truth. “There have been so many seasons of my life when I would have chosen you over anyone. But I don’t know. What I do know is that I choose you now.”
He holds me against his beating heart, my head tucked under his chin as the water cascades over us. Long minutes pass while we cling to each other.
“You’re my greatest temptation,Princesa. My weakness. The woman I spend every day and every night lusting over. It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he whispers into my wet hair. “If I had a shred of decency, I would send you away, far away from me, where my life can’t dim your light and stain your soul, where you’d be safe from my enemies. But I’m a selfish man, and I need you.”
It’s a humble prayer from a man who doesn’t know humility or prayer. My heart clenches for him as he traverses the unfamiliar soil, and I wrap my arms around him tighter. “I’m right here, Antonio. I’m right here.”
I once read that there’s a turning point in every relationship that binds two souls, and no matter what happens after that, there’s no going back.Ever.Not even if you end up hating each other. Not even when one of you dies. Once you reach that mystical point, once you take the turn, your souls are inextricably tied to one another, never to be fully free again.
This is our turning point.
40
ANTONIO
Ifucked up. Not just a small mistake, but I dug a hole so big you can drive a tank through it.Or Daniela can, anyway.
Last night should have never happened. I wasn’t going to stay over at the house. I wasn’t going to fuck her until Tomas is in hell. And I certainly had no plans to bare my damn soul like I’m a teenage girl prone to drama.
But the second she sashayed across the room and locked the door, I was screwed. By the time she had her sweater off, and those dusky nipples were taunting me through the fabric, it was a foregone conclusion. No damn way was I leaving without tasting her.
I’m tired of denying myself, of denying her. It needed to end.That’s what I told myself over and over, last night, and again this morning. It’s true.
But the world is full of truths we shouldn’t act on. In the end, it was a bullshit excuse for being a weak bastard without an ounce of self-control. And I’m going to pay for it—dearly, because now, Daniela’s going to expect things from me that I can’t give her.
The worst part of the entire mess is that, given the opportunity for a do-over, I’d dig the damn hole again. Maybe leave out some of the soul baring. But the rest? I wouldn’t change a goddamn thing.
I pass Lucas on my way to the villa. He’s moving at a good clip. “Where are you going in such a hurry?”
“There’s a delivery for me upstairs. I need to sign for it.”
“A delivery?”
“Fuck if I know.”