Jackson interrupts, “Are dick pics really an appropriate dinner conversation topic? Can we talk about something else?”
At the same time, Cassandra, Beth, Reagan, and Harley all yell out, “No!”
I’ve learned the hard way that Darian and her girls definitely have no boundaries when it comes to their conversation topics. I don’t completely understand it, but I find it amusing to watch Jackson squirm over it the way he does.
Skylar continues, “So, I told him I couldn’t tell the size from the pic. He then sent a dick pic next to a soda can so I could see it relative to the size of a can. I was obviously no longer interested in the guy at this point, but I needed to fuck with him. I asked him what size the soda can was. He said twelve ounces. I decided to zoom in.”
She smiles. “The can was actually one of those smaller seven-point-five-ounce cans. Can you believe it? He tried to fool me. If I was actually interested, I would have eventually found out.”
Everyone bursts out in laughter.
Beth asks, “Does size really matter that much?”
Myself, Cassandra, Darian, and all three of her girls yell, “Yes,” at the same time. Then we all start giggling.
My three boys just give cocky smirks to each other. I don’t want to think about what that means.
Reagan shakes her head. “Men can be clueless and disgusting at times. I had a guy, who I wasn’t dating, send me a video of him jerking off once.”
Trevor responds, “There’s nothing disgusting about jerking off. It’s natural. You do it too. Don’t deny it.”
I can’t help but interrupt this conversation. “Really, Trevor? It’s not disgusting for teenage boys to jerk off into their socks and then just leave the socks around for their mother to clean?”
Darian’s girls start laughing. Darian turns to me. “Is that what teenage boys do? They jerk off into socks?”
I nod. “Yes. And not only did they not bother to wash the socks, just like the rest of their clothes, they just left them on the floor for me to pick up. I spent years picking up socks that were stiff as a board. At some point, I honestly started going into their rooms with rubber gloves.”
Now everyone is laughing. Reagan turns to my boys. “Why socks? Why not a tissue or something you can just throw out or flush?”
They all shrug. I see Jackson trying to hide a smile because he knows it’s true.
Trevor eventually responds, “I guess because it’s the closest thing and it limits the mess. It’s also the right size. I have big feet, so I have big socks.” He grins. “And some socks are soft, and you can feel…”
“Okay, enough,” I interrupt. “We get the point.”
Reagan sighs. “I’m going to spend my life masturbating, since I won’t ever be able to have sex again.”
Darian shakes her head. “I promise you will.”
“Mom, I can’t even sit without an egg crate under my ass. I have like six pads on me right now, being held in place by some sort of weird, hospital-issued mesh shorts that I never knew existed. It takes me thirty damn minutes to clean up after myself when I pee. I don’t see sex happening anytime soon.”
Darian pats her hand. “I promise you’ll be fine. Women heal quickly.”
Cassandra looks like a deer in headlights. “Wow. I dodged a bullet on this one.”
Trevor adds, “Wedodged a bullet.” She winks at him. I didn’t need to see that.
I agree with Darian. “Reagan, your mom is right. You’ll be okay. I swear.”
Jackson shakes his head. “I feel we’ve genuinely reached a new low in family dinner topics of conversation.”
Everyone just smiles at that, not remotely embarrassed.
Skylar rubs Reagan’s back. “You’ll be fine. I think I’ll wait for you to start going out to meet people though. You’re the best wingman at the clubs. I’d rather do that with you than participate in any more internet dating.”
I hadn’t ever considered internet dating. Maybe I should. Not the type for young people like those Skylar would use. I know there are apps for older single people. It’s not like I go to clubs with friends at my age. Maybe this could be a new avenue for me to meet men. The fixups certainly haven’t been working for me, and surely that well has to dry up at some point.
Chapter Three