I laugh at that, even though she’s not wrong. She is the levelheaded one between us. She always seems to have the answer and never seems to falter.
We chat for a while longer, and by the time we hang up, I feel my resolve strengthen. When Axel calls me tonight, I won’t answer. Time to cut him off cold turkey. I feel a little guilty about ghosting him, but I know if I hear his voice and give him a chance, he’ll talk me out of it.
I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling when my phone rings for the first time. I let it ring off to voicemail. It instantly starts ringing again. This time I hit ignore. That’s when the texts start coming in…
You okay, doll?
Why aren’t you answering?
The phone rings again. Again, I hit the ignore button. Another text comes through…
Did I do something wrong?
I want to reply that it’s not him. He didn’t screw up I did. I never should’ve gotten so involved. Being friends after having two intense, mind-blowing scenes was a bad idea. I should’ve kept our relationship solely at the club. I’m the one that made it messy. I’m the one that can’t keep her feelings casual. Especially not now that I really know him and like him.
I silence my phone and hide under my blankets. For the first time in over three years, I cry for a reason other than William’s death, and because I’m crying over another man, I cry over that. I finally fall into a fitful sleep plagued with nightmares of me chasing after something I can never seem to catch. I wake up with a foggy mind that even ten cups of coffee won’t penetrate.
Henry bounces onto my bed and plops on top of me.
“Wake up, mommy,” he says cheerfully.
I barely manage to force a smile for my son. I can feel the pressure of my depression pushing at me. Something that’s been absent since we moved to Monett and started over. The way I feel right now proves I’m right to cut Axel off before I get any deeper. Henry deserves better than this.
“I’m awake, buddy,” I say with a more genuine smile. Fake it ‘til I make it and all that.
I shuffle to the kitchen to make Henry his breakfast. I sip my coffee while he eats, trying to get my head on straight. He finishes his food and then runs to his room while I clean up. It’s our usual routine, but today I want to call him back. At least with him in the room, I’m not alone with my thoughts.
I quickly put the dishes in the dishwasher and decide I need a shower to wash away the sleepless night and maybe some of the dark feelings that are weighing on me like a weighted blanket.
“Hey, buddy. Mommy’s going to take a quick shower, okay?”
Henry barely looks up from his trains. “Okay, mommy.”
The shower refreshes me a little, but I can still feel the heavy cloud surrounding me. Six months ago, I would have let this feeling drown me. I’d have crawled into bed and let my parents handle everything. I’m not that woman anymore. I’m stronger now. I know what it’s like to live again, and I refuse to return to the pathetic creature I became after the accident.
I get dressed and take extra time to blow dry my hair instead of throwing it in a ponytail and letting it air dry like normal. I then decide a little makeup is in order. Once I’m finished, I feel better… almost human. It’s amazing what a little mascara and eyeshadow can do for a girl.
“Mommy, can we watch trains?”
I jump at the sound of Henry’s voice. I was so focused on my reflection in the mirror that I didn’t hear him walk up. Normally I wouldn’t let him watch TV so early in the day, but I could use a little calm today, so trains it is.
“Sure, buddy. Let’s watch some trains.”
I grab my phone and wince at the three missed calls and ten unread messages. I ignore them all and pull up my reading app, determined to get lost in a book while Henry watches his show. It takes some time, but I finally get into the story. Escaping my own thoughts and feelings in favor of a world full of vampires and werewolves is just what I need.
“I’m hungry,” Henry says, crawling into my lap.
I give him a big hug, then tickle his sides. His giggles make me smile my first genuine smile of the day.
“What sounds good to eat?”
“Honey bread!” he says excitedly.
I laugh because he knows that will be a hard no, but he tries anyway. “How about a peanut butter and honey sandwich?”
“Okay!” He jumps off my lap and runs to the kitchen ahead of me.
I make his sandwich and pour him some milk. He dances in his seat as he eats, something he does whenever he really likes what he’s eating. I make myself a salad and join him at the table. He makes an absolute mess of his lunch. I just shake my head in amusement as I clean peanut butter from his nose. I kiss the top of his head before he runs off to play, full of energy once more.