She moves the camera around a little bit more and then finally finds a new spot. She turns the screen towards me.
"Okay, here is your daughter," she announces.
I stare at the screen.
"You mean I'm having a girl?" I ask her.
"Yes, you can see her right there," the nurse says, smiling.
I cry a little bit more, feeling so glad that I’m having a baby girl and that I’m able to see her cute little face and tiny body. She’s kicking her legs and flailing her arms around like she’s waving at me.
I wish I wasn't alone in the room right now. I wish I could share this with Steve and tell him. I know that I can't, though.
I remind myself that I haven't heard from him, and he hasn't contacted me in any way— not even through Derek, just to say that he hopes college is going well for me or anything like that, or to pass along some news of his games— so I figure he's probably not interested in me anymore.
And if that's the case, then he definitely wouldn't be interested in our child. But that’s okay, because all she needs is me, her mom.
The nurse prints out several photographs of the ultrasound and hands them to me.
“Thanks,” I tell her, glad I have this memento to take back with me and show Janice whenever she next comes to visit me at school.
Or maybe I’ll just scan it in the campus computer lab and send it to her from my phone, because I really want to show off my baby’s pretty face to someone ASAP!
“You’re welcome,” the nurse says.
She pulls the camera away from my stomach and turns her equipment off.
"Okay, they have your chart up front already so when you're done here, you can go ahead and leave and set up your next appointment with them. We'll see you again in a few weeks," she says.
She must notice the worry and confusion on my face, because she adds, “Just to make sure nothing has changed. Your appointments will increase now that you’re halfway through your pregnancy, until the time that you deliver the baby.”
“Oh, okay,” I tell her. “I thought maybe it meant there was a problem.”
“No, definitely not. It’s just routine,” she reassures me, and I smile. “If there are any issues I wasn’t able to spot, the doctor will be in touch, but no news is good news, and everything looked fine in there to me.”
“I see.”
She hands me a napkin so I can clean the gel off my stomach. After I do that, I throw the napkin in the trash and put the photographs in my purse, being careful not to wrinkle the thin paper they’re printed on.
"Thank you again for everything," I say with a smile as I leave the room.
“No problem. Congratulations on your healthy baby girl you’re growing in there!”
She leads me down in the hallway back out into the reception area. Once the door closes, I walk up to the receptionist and schedule my next checkup for the baby. I walk out of the clinic feeling overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time.
I'm also thinking of Steve. I hate feeling so lonely and I really miss him, but I know that I can't involve him. I recently read an interview that he gave in some kind of sports magazine. He talked about forgetting about the past and anything that would distract his head from the game. I guess I fall into that category.
It's really obvious that he was talking about only focusing on the here and now. He said that was the secret to his success.
So, that leaves us out of the picture. As sad as that makes me, I know that there's no future for us, but that's okay. I have an entirely different future now.
I start walking away from the clinic and head back towards the direction of campus. Then I feel something in my stomach and stop walking. I put my hand there, waiting for a few seconds before I feel it again.
At first, I assume it's gas, but I'm about to take another step when I feel those same little movements in my stomach again and again repeatedly. I realize with a soft gasp that it's the baby kicking inside me!
Wow!
It feels so cool.