I know from past experience that's easier said than done.
Yet I’m determined to try my best to get her out of my mind.
Because she clearly wants me out of her life, and I guess even Derek wants me out of his as well.
I can take a hint, even though it really fucking sucks.
Chapter 9 – Bella
I've been pregnant for 4 months now.
This is a truly amazing experience!
I think I can actually handle this.
I know it's only been a few months, but my bump isn't showing yet, so that's good. I know I can't do anything to hide it once it does show, and that will start to happen soon, so I’d better begin practicing what I'll say to people.
I took the morning off from class and I'm sitting in the waiting room of a Clinic that’s close to campus, waiting to be called back. Today is my ultrasound appointment.
They're going to take a look at the baby and make sure everything is okay with its anatomy. There are a lot of other women and couples here for their appointments as well. Most of them have already gone ahead before me though, and I'm one of the last ones waiting here.
That's a lot of people even though it's still pretty early in the morning.
I have to admit I’m pretty jealous of the women who have partners with them. I wish I could share this with Steve, but I still haven’t found the nerve. He’s clearly busy with his football career, helping his team win a lot of games, and I haven’t wanted to interrupt his season.
Plus, I don’t really feel like talking to him again because it’s sunk in that he just wanted to hit it and quit it.
I kind of can’t believe it all went down like this between us. But I’m happy to be having this baby and I just try to focus on that to stay positive. School has been going fine but it’s the pregnancy that has brought joy into my life.
I look through a magazine while I wait. It's one of those gossip and fashion ones that is really silly but at least it gives me something to think about while I'm here. I'm not really worried or scared about the appointment. I'm kind of nervous but more than that, I'm excited.
I get to know everything about my baby today and see him or her on the ultrasound. I've quickly grown to love the idea of having a baby and giving birth to it and getting to raise a child.
I know it's going to be a new experience but at the same time, I have faith that I can do it and that it will continue to make me happy.
This baby may not have been planned, but it’s definitely wanted. At least by me. I have no idea what Steve will think when I tell him, and so I just keep putting that part of the process out of my mind.
The door to the back opens and a nurse steps out.
"Bella? The doctor will see you now," she says.
I close the magazine and set it on the table and then follow her into the back. She leads me into one of the exam rooms.
"Okay, you can go ahead and change into one of the gowns and then climb up on the table. The doctor is just going to give you a quick exam to check that everything is fine with the baby and then from there you will be led into the ultrasound room," the nurse explains.
“Okay, thanks,” I say, taking a deep breath.
Everything feels even more real now that I’m in here.
She writes down a few notes in my chart then leaves it on the counter. She closes the door to the exam room as she leaves.
After that, I change into the gown and sit up on the table and wait. This is no different than any other doctor's office. Everything looks clean and a little bare. It's kind of cold in here, but that's to be expected.
Luckily, I don't have to wait long before there's a gentle knock on the door and then it swings opens.
"Hi, Bella, I'll be your doctor for this appointment today. You can call me Dr. Shirley," says the older lady who has entered.
I nod and smile at her.