Hudson grimaced because his therapist had said the same damn thing. But it was easier to just take responsibility for it all and hold the weight of being the man who drove his husband to cheat. “Maybe it was just me.” He swallowed thickly, feeling a confession rising in his throat. “Right before Austin left, he told me that it was the pressure of the marriage. He said that if we’d been open, he could have loved me forever.”
“Bullshit,” Eli spat. “I’m all for polyamory when it fits, but…”
Hudson shook his head quickly. “No, I know. But I think I believed him for a minute. Right before he moved out, he told me he was never getting married again because he knew it was a mistake. Not because of me, but because it wasn’t right for him. I was pissed and I wanted to rebound, so I downloaded one of those fucking apps and guess who the first person was that popped up on my matches?”
“Shit,” Eli breathed out.
Hudson let out a bitter laugh. He hadn’t told anyone about it. In fact, after reading Austin’s profile, he immediately deleted the entire thing and tried to forget he’d ever seen it. Unfortunately, his memory was too good, and it was one of the few moments he hadn’t been able to turn off the hurt.
“His profile name was MarriageMan.”
“Gross,” Eli said.
Hudson snorted a laugh. “Yeah. His entire bio was going on and on about how he was just waiting to meet the right one, and he was looking for long term commitment. I…I don’t know,” he added on a sigh. “I felt like an idiot.”
“That’s on him,” Eli said through clenched teeth.
Hudson rolled his eyes. “I know that, but maybe it was me. Maybe I drove him to this. Maybe he spent a few weeks away from me and realized that he wanted someone…better than me. Kinder. Softer.”
Eli stared at him for a long, long moment. “Maybe.”
Hudson winced, but he truly had wanted brutal honesty.
“That doesn’t give him the right to do what he did, and to tell you the truth—I don’t believe that. He was always a sketchy little shit.”
“You’re just saying that because he hurt me,” Hudson pointed out.
Eli shook his head. “No. I’m saying that because when you two first met, he came on to me. When I called him out on it, he waved it off like it was a joke, and I didn’t know him enough to decide whether or not he was lying.”
Hudson’s throat went hot. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you seemed happy,” Eli confessed, staring down at his hands. “It was a mistake—I get that now. I hate myself for it, trust me. But you finally seemed happy for once, and I thought maybe you really loved him.”
“I don’t know if I did,” Hudson confessed. There was a tightness in his chest he didn’t know what to do with. “I don’t have anyone to compare it to.” And my God, if that didn’t make him sound pathetic, he didn’t know what would.
Eli reached over and took his hand, squeezing tight. “I swore to myself I would never lie to you again about whoever you ended up with.”
“Bold of you to assume it would be anyone,” Hudson said with a wry grin. He thought maybe he should be pissed at his friend, but he knew Eli had only been trying to help, and he just didn’t have the strength to care.
“It will be. But you have to give it a shot, okay? You took control of your body back, right? So maybe it’s time to be a little vulnerable.”
Hudson’s mouth fell open, then shut again because he didn’t know what to say. He had no idea what could possibly motivate him to trust anyone, and he didn’t think Eli had the answer. “I just need to do everything in my own time.”
Eli gave him a look, but when he withdrew his hand, it was obvious he was going to give Hudson a reprieve. Maybe not forever, but for now.
Hudson half-expected to find another plate of bakes waiting for him on his front doorstep, and he felt the strangest little pang when there wasn’t one. He was desperately trying to avoid admitting that Eli was right—that he could have handled his neighbor better—but it was getting harder by the moment.
He headed inside and wheeled into his room to change, swapping to his walker. It was the same, painfully slow journey to the kitchen that it was every night, but he was starting to forget what it felt like to just hop up and walk somewhere without thinking about it. That was strange and a little sad, but a part of him was relieved because for a while there, he started to wonder if he’d ever feel comfortable in his present rather than waiting for the future or wallowing in the past.
Pulling open his freezer, he grabbed one of the pre-cooked meals from the service Eli had hired for his last birthday gift. They weren’t the best, but they also weren’t the worst, and they saved his life during long nights where he was stuck at the office working on designs.
The kitchen immediately began to smell like garlic, and he heard a quiet tweep, glancing down to see Pancake wandering in. Sitting on his bench, Hudson grabbed a jar of freeze-dried fruit and threw a few pieces down to the bird who began to peck at them. He watched as the thing wandered a little closer and nipped at his toes.
He could feel it—barely, but it was there—and it almost made him laugh that the obnoxious parting gift Austin had given him was the one thing to keep him aware of his current sensation levels.
Leaning over, he held his finger out and for a moment, he thought Pancake might actually hop on. Then the little beast flapped its wings, screeched, and bit him hard.
“You fucker,” Hudson gasped, pulling away.