Phoenix: Are you insane?
I laugh and sit back. “Are you really that determined?”
“Are you really sure you want to marry me?” she fires back.
For one wild moment, I would give anything for this to be real. But it can’t be. There’s too much at stake. I meet her gaze, then snatch her hand and press a hot kiss to her palm. “I want nothing more, little goddess. So much that it hurts.”
She studies my face, looking deep into my eyes. I wonder for a moment if she can see the deception. Then she lets out a breath and curls her fingers over mine. “Find a fucking judge. I’ll put on some makeup so I don’t look dead and a dress that still fits, and we can just end the madness.”
“You deserve more than that,” I tell her.
She shrugs. “I never expected to have any of this anyway.”
My heart is aching, but I remind myself that she is getting her wedding. That I will get to the bottom of who the fuck infiltrated my home and put an end to it. Then I’ll marry the shit out of her and make sure every single eye is on my gorgeous bride. I will make sure everyone knows she is fucking adored.
Leaning in close, I reach for her and frame her face. She feels small and fragile in my grasp, though I know she’s anything but. “Let me help you get dressed.”
She shakes her head and pushes away from the table. She’s not steady, but she’s determined, and that’s what keeps me fromfollowing her. “Wear a suit,” she says, as though I’d do anything but. I have a tailored tux that I’ll be greeting her with when I finally do meet her in the aisle.
I hope all my plans to make it up to her allows her to forgive me quickly.
I sit with my coffee and wince when far off, I hear her door slam. The croissant is sitting heavy in my gut like a stone, and for the first time in a long time—maybe since I stared down into Phoenix’s freshly wounded, unconscious face—I wished my life was different.
I wouldn’t give up my boys for the world, but I allow myself a moment to imagine I loved them in a different life. Perhaps I would have been some tired corporate cog who fell for his coworker. Maybe Ari would have come along, some bike messenger or some shit. James after him, a fresh-faced intern.
We could have met Alice while she was working near campus as a server while finishing her degree.
Polyamory wouldn’t have been conventional in any life, but I didn’t need this—all this madness and blood and pain and death—in order to have it. We’d have been labeled strange and unusual, but that would be the worst of our sins.
As it is now, the sins we live with define who we are. They define our future, promise that there isn’t much to hope for. It would take a miracle to see our sunset years all together. I’m goddamn determined to do everything in my power to make that happen, but we’re slowly being hacked to bits.
We’ve lost so much of our bodies, our minds, and our souls that it’s hard to imagine what life will be like by the time it’s all over.
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a door closing behind me, and I don’t need to look at who it is. I recognize Phoenix’s footsteps. He approaches the table with only a hint of caution. In my periphery, I see his hand out, searching untilhe finds me. His fingers are warm against the back of my neck, pressing as they dig into my hair.
I tilt my face up for a kiss, and I feel the pattern he presses—barely there—against my skull. ‘It’s ready.’
“Alice is furious,” he says.
I laugh because those words are the absolute truth. “She’ll never forgive me, but sheiswilling to marry me today.”
He makes a startled noise as he stands all the way up, then offers me a hand so I can get to my feet without too much struggle. My stump is aching, and it feels swollen, and I don’t have time to worry about my recovery.
“And you know how to get that done?” he says.
I scoff. “If we’re lucky. Or unlucky. I don’t know what to hope for right now.”
He’s on me again, backing me into the table. I sit on the edge to take some of the pressure off my leg as he digs his fingers into my hair and kisses me again. I wait for a message, but instead, he pulls back and says, “I wish it could be all of us.”
The sincerity in those words threatens to floor me, and I take his face between my palms, kissing his lips before I pull his hand up and stare at the ring on his finger. “Itisall of us. This formality is—”
“I know,” he interrupts. I’m well aware of how it hurts him. Marriage was never on the table when it was just the four of us, and it wasn’t supposed to be on the table for Alice. It was supposed to be her head on a platter while we watched Guido crumble.
But Phoenix knows better than anyone how quickly plans can change.
I cup his cheek, then pull him close, and his fingers return to my hair. ‘I am sorry.’
I kiss him again—harder this time, a little meaner. I need him to understand that I meant what I said. It is all of us. It’lljust be different. If I could change laws and give them all my name, I would.