I kept trying to pretend that everything was normal, but after today it was undeniable that I'd changed. But if I couldn't block out the memory and go back to how I was before, what was I supposed todo?
I yelped when a sharp fingernail rapped on my forehead, then I narrowed my eyes at Lynn.
"Talk," she barked, and placed a Tequila Sunrise in my hand.
"No, thanks," I replied quickly, taking a sip of the drink—it was as powerful and deadly as I'd expected from Lynn, and I almost coughed.
"Did I say it was optional?" Lynn narrowed her kohl-lined eyes. "Talk. I'm not a therapist, but keeping all that shit inside is destructive. Take it from someone with experience."
I couldn't help but remember what she'd told me. She couldn't have kids because someone had hurt her that badly.
I glanced over at the people watching their film, but it was a Marvel film and it was right in the middle of an action scene, with copious explosions and shouting. They couldn't hear me.
Still, I lowered my voice and glanced at Lynn from the corner of my eye, not brave enough to meet her full-on.
"I keep telling everyone the knights got to me in time."
"But they didn't," she replied bluntly.
I shook my head, and turned to the fridge again, grabbing sliced ham and not bothering to find bread to make a sandwich. Some nights called for sliced ham applied from the packaging directly to your mouth. Tonight was one of them.
I dared to whisper, "No."
"Drink," Lynn said, nodding at my cocktail. I took another drink and shoved more ham into my mouth. It wasn't a good taste combo, but I didn't care. "You need to say it out loud.I know," she muttered when I gave her a scowl. "It fucking sucks. But youneedto. Don't ask me why; someone told me the same thing and … look, it will always live inside you, no matter what you do. So accept that. But if you say what happened to you, it lets a tiny bit of itout."
I looked into my glass, so reluctant that I felt sick. But hadn't Ijustaccepted that there was no going back to the way I was before? I couldn't be normal again; my normal had shifted.Right now, normal was nightmares and flinching and memories so dark they bled into my art.
"I don’t want to make your trauma worse," I settled on finally, because it was a good point. "I don't want to trigger you."
Lynn waved a hand. "Don't worry about me; I've got my own coping mechanisms."
I raised an eyebrow. I badly needed a coping mechanism.
"I relive it, over and over," she explained, and smirked when I blanched. "But safely, and in a way that puts me in control."
Holy shit. She willingly put herself back in that place?
"That … doesn't sound right for me. But I'm, ah, glad you have something that works."
Lynn shrugged, leaning against the counter. "What I have is a man that doesn't mind when I get defensive and stab him. Try finding your own," she suggested seriously.
"I'll take that under advisement."
Lynn snorted, taking a deep drink. "Go on, then. Say it."
My nostrils flared as I dragged in a breath. I didn't want to say it. I really fuckingdid not wantto say anything aloud. It was bad enough that Priest knew; if I buried it, maybe it would—
But that hadn't worked last night or today at the supermarket, and if I was being honest with myself, I knew it wouldn't work tomorrow or the day after.
"I got grabbed on the way to work," I said, ashes coating my tongue; I took another drink and burned them away, heat scorching down to my belly. "Two Hunters, a man and a woman. They knocked me out."
That was the easy bit. Everyone knew those parts.
Lynn nodded, sharp and scowling but encouraging. Supportive.
I glanced over to make sure the others were still engrossed in their film and whispered, "I woke up in a bed and the male alphahad … he put a collar around my throat. And chained me to the bed."
Lynn's expression didn't change; she didn't flinch. Fuck, I wished I had her strength.