“I know,” I said. “Extraordinarily unspecial.”
“Anything but.” She crinkled her brows, like she had no idea where I was coming from. “You held your own from a very young age against threats of all kinds from human to magical. I wished I could have shielded you better than I did, but every time the world came for us, you were ready and stepped up to meet every challenge.”
I’d done what I had to do, like anyone would. That didn’t make me special. I’d simply survived.
Mom continued, “You’ve spent your life as a fearless warrior, Lily.”
“Not anymore.”
She stared at me, not with pity, but not exactly with compassion either. A spark flared behind her blue eyes. “Perhaps the universe is trying to tell you something.”
We’d had this conversation before. Many times.
I sighed. “Slow down. Quit the library. I know what you think. But I can’t quit, becauseI was fired.”
“No, Lily. By now I’ve learned better than to tell you to slow down. You wouldn’t, no matter what happens, no matter what I say. And that’s what terrifies me the most—not that you can’t handle anything the universe throws at you, but that youcan.”
“What is that supposed to mean? That I can?”
“Sure, I want you to be safe, but I would never want you to be someone you’re not. I don’t want you to pursue a life that isn’t everything you want it to be. It’s terrifying watching you run headfirst into danger, absolutely, but it’s who you are, Lily. The trials we’ve faced have shaped us both, and my fear for you is that you’ll push so hard and achieve so much that you’ll spend your entire life in the distorted time of the library, and miss what’s out here for you.”
It occurred to me then that she didn’t mean a man and kids, but her. She was afraid of missing time with me because she believed in me.
“I promise to make more time for you,” I said, and hugged her. “I love you.”
“I love you, too—so much, Lily, it’s crushing at times.”
“Seems like I’m about to have lots of time,” I said.
“While I would love for you to stay, we both know you can’t do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not going to give up on your dream simply because someone told you it was over.” She took a sip of her tea.
“I’m not?”
“If you spend the night here, you’re going to be mad at yourself for not leaving sooner. Instead, you’re going to chase that man you’re clearly in love with, and the two of you will finish whatever mess you’re clearly still in the middle of.”
“What are you talking about? Man I’m in love with? That’s ridiculous.”
“I know a thing or two about confusing love and animosity. We Fernsby women push away those who see us clearest and care for us the deepest because the world has taught us we need to shield ourselves. But a little risk now and then can pay off, especially in matters of the heart.”
She and Ambrose had major history, and not the friendly kind. But he’d always loved her, and if she’d seen him for who he was sooner, she’d have loved him from the start, too. That wasn’t like me and Silas, though. It couldn’t be. I hadn’t misinterpreted his bad behavior all those years ago. But I also hadn’t entirely listened when he’d told me he’d changed. He’d made my birthday morning special. Then something switched after the sheep, and he’d run off. He’d said he would come back, but he hadn’t.
I hadn’t seen him at the library, either. What if he really had changed? What if all of the nice moments we’d shared were what was truly real? What if I’d diminished their meaning because I’d been trying to protect myself, when there was nothing I needed to protect myself from?
What if Silas was my person? My heart beat faster in my chest. What if we could share more world-altering kisses? What if we could be happy together?
I took a long gulp of my tea and set the cup down a bit too hard. I winced at the cling of porcelain on porcelain and hoped I hadn’t chipped either piece.
“I’m worried,” I said. “If Silas isn’t at the library basking in my defeat…something bad might have happened to him.”
“Well, now that we’ve finished our tea, it seems time you do something about that, doesn’t it?”
“The library took all of my gear.”
“There’s a basement full of magic, some yours, some mine. Take anything you need. Better to try than to live with regrets.Trust me.”