He rounds the side of the car to talk to Jafar. I know before he comes back that Jafar is going to tell him no. Just like I know that Jafar was mad that I wouldn’t meet his gaze in the mirror as we drove back to the city.
“Can we raincheck? Jafar said he needs me. Work stuff, you know.”
“Yeah. Of course. Here, let me see your phone.”
He hands over his phone and I punch in my number, dialing it.
“Now you have my number. Call me when you’re free.”
He leans in, kissing me. This time, without the effects of whisky, I don’t feel anything. No spark. No urge to kiss him back. Nothing. Only a sick regret that it’s not someone else kissing me. Someone who made me see stars with his kiss.
Al pulls back. “Hopefully we can meet tonight.”
Jafar honks the horn, and Al rolls his eyes before getting in. I pull my suitcase behind me as fast as I can, but I still hear the tires squealing as they pull away.
Inside my hotel room, I fall onto the bed, facedown. Why didn’t I say no when Jasmine asked me to go away for the weekend? I could have avoided everything that had happened over the last three days. The thing is that I know some of what happened was good. I needed to get my head straight where Jafar was concerned, and this weekend did just that. He’s married to my best friend. He loves her. If anything happened between the two of us, it wouldn’t mean anything. And what would I have after? Nothing. I would have lost my best friend. I’d still be alone. And I would have given my virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it.
I know that I can’t keep living my life this way. A therapist once said I was afraid of relationships because I lost both of my parents at a young age, and that seeing my dad struggle after my mom died made me afraid that the same thing would happen to me. Maybe she was right. I can admit that I’ve been scared to let myself fall in love with someone.
Rolling over, I look at the ceiling. I’ve held onto my virginity like it was a precious gift. The reality is that being a virgin at twenty-five is embarrassing. Men expect me to have the experience that I don’t. If we get intimate and I tell them they react one of two ways. One, it freaks them out and they leave. Two, they see it as some sort of sick challenge. I don’t want that. I want love.
I used to have a silly fantasy of meeting the man of my dreams and giving myself to him. I snort. Now I feel like I’m going to have to beg someone to take it from me. I even wish I was the type of person who could find some random person and just get it over with. Al’s face crosses my mind. I don’t want to do that, though. I want to at least feel something for the man I sleep with.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I scroll on social media. A post from Ty catches my attention and I stop. Jafar thought there was something going on between us. Have I been missing what’s right in front of me? He’s a good man. He’s kind. He works for almost nothing to help those in need. He’d never cheat on his wife, especially with his wife’s best friend. And he’s not Jafar.
Inhaling, I open our text message thread.
Dr. Tyrell Kelly
Hey there! How’s everything going?
I’m surprised to see three dots appear right away.
Good! We miss you so much.
How’s the big city?
I’m ready to come home, to be honest.
Did something happen?
Just some drama with my friends.
When you get back, we can talk about it over drinks.
Like a date?
Is that what you want?
My finger hovers over the screen. Is that what I want? What Iwantis wrong. What I want is going to hurt a lot of people. What I want is to stop feeling this way over a man I’ll never have.
I think a date would be perfect.
What about you?
I’ve only been dropping hints since you started.
Really?