The shower is steamy, hot and almost suffocating as I press my forehead against the tiled wall.
Sergei ruined me.
He took my life.
He took my hope
He took everything.
And no matter how much I wish I could forget and take what Ren is offering me, I can’t. Staying here would be to risk it all, and I can’t go back to him, I know I won’t make it out a second time.
I turn off the shower and towel myself dry, wrapping it around my body, and step out into the bedroom.
Then I stop in my tracks.
Ren stands by the bedroom door, a frown deep on his face as he looks up from the ground.
“Get dressed and meet me in the parlour.” His tone is firm, leaving no room for argument and it’s off, something I haven’t heard from him before.
He turns and closes the door behind him, leaving me with a sick feeling swelling inside. I had hoped to hide in my room and sulk, but it looks like I’ll have to face it head on.
I left the alcohol and my body in charge last night, and it was the best night of my life. But now my head is back in charge and it’s telling me to run. It’s only been a week, I would be so so stupid to get swept up in whatever is happening between me and Ren.
Maybe because it’s been a year and a half since I was in hell, I’m starting to forget what it was really like living with Sergei, and Ren is making me forget what it feels like to be alone. I’ve never been so twisted up in my head, the push and pull, constant fighting with what my body wants to what it needs.
I dress quickly in an airy sundress, not bothering with make up or hair. I just want to get this over with, whatever it is he wants to tell me. My chest tightens when I open the bedroom door, and when I make it to the formal living room and see him sitting on an arm chair, his eyes cast down to the floor, a lump forms in my throat.
“Sit down,” he orders, and he doesn’t look at me but nods to the lounge in front of him.
He’s being so formal, so cold, and I don’t say a word as I sit across from him and wait for him to speak.
Then he leans forward, places his elbows on his knees and stares straight into my soul. “What was last night to you?”
Great, right to it.
I close my eyes and shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I do.” His voice is firm.
It was a long shot and I sigh defeated, opening my eyes to take him in. What was last night to me? What a question? Where do I even begin? After everything we’ve been through this week, I owe Ren the truth.
“It was everything. More than I could have ever imagined.” I say and see the tension ease from his shoulders. “But it can’t happen again.”
His eyes bore into mine, those last words seem to hang in the air forever as he frowns.
“So that’s it?” he says and I want to cry. “You give that to me, such an amazing gift. You’re right. more than I ever could have imagined. Then expect me to just let you waltz right out of my life?”
His words cause tears to well in my eyes.
“I meant what I said Lilly. I’m going to prove that you can trust me, and that this is where you want to be. But I need to know that I’m not fighting for nothing.”
“I’ve been telling you to stop. You’re just not listening.” I blink and a tear falls, I hate it so I forcefully wipe it away. “You make everything sound so easy. Like I should just flick a switch and turn off everything I know in life. And what… just trust you? Even if I really, really wanted to, I don’t know how.”
No one has helped me.
No one came to save me.
I am the only way I’ve survived my entire life.