The hot water showers over me, relaxing my muscles and soothing my nerves. That’s two times now Ren’s walked me back from the darkness, his patience and understanding is unwavering and for that I’m thankful.
But the pity party is over. It has to be. The only way forward is to rid my mind of the filth of the past. Which no doubt was caused by jumping back into my old life with Sammy.
And Ria.
Hearing her name ripped open the hole inside me. We were each other’s rocks, our friendship unbreakable. Except when I destroyed it. Ren’s words still linger about reaching out to her, but it’s a bad idea. Isn’t it? There are many reasons I shouldn’t. Most important. She might hate me.
We used to speak every day, multiple times a day. But when I moved in with Sergei and my world flipped on its head, she kept calling and he started to pick up on how close we were. Then he started making hints about him using her as collateral over my head. The only way I thought to stop it was to tell her that I was too busy being Sergei’s fiancé and I don’t have time for her anymore. It was bad, and she was hurt.
Ren’s right, she could understand that if I told her.
But then her mother died when I was away, and I wasn’t there. It killed me, and even after everything Sergei had done to me, I never felt so bad about myself. I should have been there.
How could she forgive me for that?
And what’s the point if I’m going to leave again soon, anyway. I would just hurt us both again, and make her even more worried, because she’ll know that I’m too scared to stay. But she might know something was up already; Sergei did go to see her.
Maybe I should call my therapist. I really could use an emergency session right about now. But I don’t know how to explain why I can’t leave and avoid the whole kidnapping thing without her calling the cops. Above all else as well, I really don’t want Ren to get in trouble. That might sound nuts, but he’s only ever been kind to me, apart from the two times he knocked me unconscious. My therapist is right, I really am a work in progress.
After finishing my shower, I sit down on the bed and do something I had thought I’d never do again.
I call the number I’ve committed to memory. After a few rings, Ria picks up.
“Hello?” She sounds happy, carefree, and just like I remember.
I nearly hang up but instead I swallow and say, “Hi Ria.”
“Who’s this?” Those two words break my heart.
“It’s Lilly.” I say, then hold my breath.
“Oh my god! Is it really you? Where are you? Oh my god I’ve missed you. Where have you been? Are you okay? It’s been forever.”
She talks a million miles a minute and I immediately find air again. My eyes water. Now it really feels like I’m coming home. Her voice reminds me of all I’ve lost and missed. Tears fall on their own, like the dam has broken.
“Shh, don’t cry,” She’s my best friend, of course she could tell I’m silent crying behind the phone. “Where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. Sorry, just hearing your voice overwhelmed me.” I take a deep breath in. “I’ve missed you, too.”
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you. Where are you?”
I let the relief I feel that she hasn’t instantly hung up and doesn’t hate me flow through my body.
“I’m back in Sydney… well, for a bit, anyway.”
“Sydney! I’ll come see you. Are you at your dads?”
“NO!” There is no way I want her around there anymore.
“Well, where are you? I can come now.”
Now, how do I tell her this? “Um, I don’t know. It’s a little complicated.”
“What do you mean?”
“I actually don’t know the address,” I answer honestly.
“Are you with Sergei?” Her voice is barely above a whisper, like speaking his name will somehow conjure him from the depths of hell.