A soft knock sounds on the other side.
Then his voice. “Lilly, Are you okay?”
The handle turns, but the door stays locked. I gasp and can’t answer. He must have heard it, along with the tears. Along with anything I could have said when I was asleep. The panic grips again, the embarrassment and shame suffocating me.
“Breathe with me, baby. Remember. Just like before. In… and… out.”
Breathe.
Breathe.
I need to breathe.
“In and out.” His soft voice repeats, over and over.
I rock back and forth, my whole body shaking. The floor is cold, and I can’t stop crying. But I begin to inhale. Long and steady. My heart slows some as he continues his rhythmic pace.
“More, beautiful,” he whispers, “Just breathe with me, baby.”
After a few agonising minutes, my breathing slowly begins to steady. The shaking stops. The panic dissipates. I inhale deeper and deeper. Until I’m finally calm. Until I’m finally in control.
Stronger.
“Lilly, give me your voice. I need to know you’re okay?” he asks quietly on the other side of the door.
I wipe my face with my hands and take a few more deep breaths, trying to get my thoughts straight.
“Yes, I’m okay,” I say, my voice shaky.
“Can you open the door for me?”
I shake my head, then realise he can’t see it. “Not right now.”
Or ever maybe. The thought of facing him so weak and vulnerable might break me.
It’s quiet on the other side of the door, and even I didn’t by my attempt to sound stronger than I am.
“I’m okay,” My voice cracks but returns to normal. Tired, but normal. “I just need some time.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t push more, giving me exactly what I need.
There’s a few more minutes of silence until I hear his footstep leave the door.
“Ren,” I call out.
“Yeah baby?” he answers straight away.
“Thank you.”
“Anything for you.”
It’s another puncture to my armour and my hand traces the door where I know he stands. And in this moment, I let myself be warmed by his words.
Slowly, I stand from the floor and make my way to the mirror. It’s a sad sight, so I turn away and opt for a shower. I don’t know what time it is, but it’s still dark and there’s zero chance I’m going back to sleep.
I hate breaking down like that, it’s one thing when I’m alone or with my therapist. But Ren seeing me, I hate it even more.
It’s not who I want to be. It’s not what I worked so hard to overcome. Sergei has taken so much from me; I won’t let him steal any more happiness away. Not if I can help it.