Tam and I alternated sitting beside Hallie’s bed and sitting at the plastic cot next to the baby, neither of us wanting to leave either of them alone.
I was jealous of them. It was fucking stupid, but I was. Jealous of Tam and Hallie—even though Hallie was unconscious—and jealous of Leo and Kaja for getting to be together, despite what her father had done. They’d been keeping us supplied with coffee and food and general moral support.
I wanted nothing more than to have Ivy here with me. It felt so fucking wrong that she wasn’t. She should be here.
It scared me shitless just how hard I’d fallen for her. I’d never experienced intense feelings like this in my life. She’d completely taken over my head and my heart. Girls had always been fun before, but that was all. The moment they’d made noises about wanting me around, I’d run for the hills. But now, I felt like the one making the noises. Did Ivy feel the same way? I thought she did. Though she’d never said she loved me out loud, just the way we were together, constantly needing to be touching, even just the way we smiled at each other, as though we had a secret from the rest of the world, told me this was more than just a fling.
Tam entered the hospital room where I’d been watching over Hallie while he sat with the baby. We’d swap over, so he got to spend some time with his wife. Whether Hallie knew we were there or not, I had no idea.
“How’s she doing?” Tam asked.
I shook my head. “No change.”
He dragged his hand through his hair. “Fuck.”
Tam was normally well put together, but right now, he looked a wreck. Pale skin with dark smudges beneath his eyes, his hair all over the place. His shirt open at the neck and untucked, his suit jacket a crumpled ball on the chair, his sleeves pushed up to his elbows.
“What about the baby?” I asked.
“She’s stable. I feel like she should have a name, but I can’t decide on one without Hallie’s input. She’d fucking kill me.”
We both looked to the woman lying in the hospital bed. It had only been a matter of hours, but what if she didn’t wake up? What if days and weeks went by and the baby girl still didn’t have a name? I suddenly saw the danger in that. Would naming her be like giving up—like admitting Hallie wouldn’t ever wake?
I put my hand on Tam’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze and then left him to go down to the neonatal unit. It was on the same floor, ensuring that the mothers and babies were never too far apart.
There were already several parents sitting with their babies. One mother and father sat beside a tiny set of twins. In comparison, Hallie’s baby was huge, and I almost felt the need to explain to the others the reason for her being here.
I took a seat beside the baby’s cot. She was sleeping, and I studied her tiny, wrinkled face, trying to figure out who she looked like. A little knitted hat was pulled down over her head, so I couldn’t even see what colour hair she had. I was sure someone else might be able to work it out, but she just looked like a newborn baby to me.
I became aware of one of the nurses standing beside me.
“You can hold her, if you want?” she said.
I shook my head. “Oh, no. That’s probably not a good idea.”
“Yes, it is. It’s important baby gets some skin-to-skin contact.”
“I’m not her father,” I explained. “I’m her uncle.”
“I’m sure she won’t mind.”
I realised what skin-to-skin meant. “You want me to take my shirt off?”
She gave me a wink. “I absolutely do.”
I grinned. She was old enough to be my mother—possibly even grandmother—but that didn’t seem to bother her. It felt good to have someone a bit light-hearted around after all the trauma.
She continued. “It’s been proven that babies who get skin-to-skin contact have lower stress levels and cry less than those who don’t. They can regulate their breathing and body temperate better, too, among a whole host of other things.”
“I’ve never held a baby before.”
It felt like a stupid thing to admit to. I was completely out of my depth, taking care of a baby, and I didn’t like being out of my depth. Lack of control was something I railed against, and it seemed ridiculous to be shaken up over someone who didn’t even weigh ten pounds.
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell her.”
She scooped the baby girl out of the plastic incubator. She still had little monitors stuck to her skin, and she seemed ridiculously tiny.
Fuck.