“No, of course not. I understand.” My heart ached. “I wish I could be there for you.”
“I wish you could be here, too. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give right now to feel your arms around me.”
I pictured myself holding him, of him burying his face in my neck, taking comfort in me. We sat in silence on the phone, and it felt like our hearts were speaking, even if we couldn’t be together physically.
“This is so shit,” I whispered. “I wish things were different.”
“Me too.”
“Sorry, you’ve got bigger things to worry about.”
“It’s okay. I’m going to be dealing with things here for the next few days, and all the family is around. I won’t be able to get away without someone noticing.”
I understood what he was saying—we wouldn’t be able to see each other without someone seeing us.
I wished I could bring Hallie and the baby a gift. Do what a normal girlfriend would do when their boyfriend had become an uncle and there was a new baby in the family. Instead, I felt like a complete outcast. It was selfish of me to even be thinking this way. Poor Hallie was really sick and hadn’t even got to meet her new baby yet. That was far more important than my stupid relationship woes. That knowledge still didn’t stop me having them, though. In that moment, I hated my last name and everything that came with it. I wanted to be someone different.
Did I really think I could walk away from being a Gilligan?
My father and brothers would never allow it, and I didn’t even know if I’d be welcomed in the Cornell and Wynter clan. Then I remembered the story behind how Leo Cornell and Kaja Valk got together, how her father had killed Leo’s fiancée, and I wondered if perhaps I had a chance. If they’d accepted Kaja into the family, maybe they’d accept me, too.
Jay’s voice came down the line. “I’d better go, baby. I’ll stay in touch, okay?”
We ended the call, and I sat with the phone in my hand. A tear slipped down my cheek, and I wiped it away. I wasn’t even totally sure what I was crying about. Was it that I felt excluded? Was it because I missed him? Was it for Hallie and her baby girl?
I toyed with the idea of buying that present for Hallie and the baby and just showing up at the hospital, but I knew I couldn’t. The last thing the Cornells needed right now was me throwing a bomb into the middle of everything. It would be a purely selfish move.
Plus, then I’d have to deal with the fallout, and it wouldn’t be pretty. My family would find out I was messing around with a Wynter, and I didn’t even want to think about what their reaction would be. They would be furious, and when people like my father and brothers got furious, people got hurt.
Chapter Fifteen
Jayden
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IT HAD BEEN A HARDday.