“It’s not your fault.” His voice is softer than I deserve, and my head pounds with guilt. He places his hand on my arm, but the heat from his skin is too much. A painful reminder of what I ruined.
“Stop.” I scrabble to my feet, my chest heaving. My eyes are bleary, making him blur, like an oasis, a mirage to a wanderer so parched that they can sense their imminent demise should it not be real. “I can’t—”
“Talk to me, Angel.”
He inclines his body toward mine, like it’s instinctual, and dips his head so his face is close enough to mine that I can taste his scent, if such a thing is even possible.
Forest air.
Air so fresh, like first thing in the morning when everything is new and full of promise. A new day. If I were to kiss him, would he taste the same on my lips, too? Would I be filled with the promise of new hope? Or left with the bitterness of regret for what I almost had?
How does anyone survive someone like Reed Walker?
Maybe they don’t.
Maybe they turn out like Bea instead. Full of so much selfish hate that they can’t recognize the devastation their actions have on others.
“I’m so sorry.” I look up from underneath my lashes to meet his gaze. “I should have told you in the beginning. I know you can’t trust me anymore. I know that’s why you came to Suze’s to say goodbye. After everything, you should have been able to trust me. I am so sorry, Reed.”
He stares at me, leaning closer so our lips are mere inches apart. So close that the air vibrates, dancing in the space between them. I dart my tongue out to wet mine as tingles scatter through my body. I know what it’s like when he kisses me. I know what it’s like to be held by him.
That feeling is lost now, lost everywhere, except in my memory.
And in my heart.
I need his arms around me more than ever, holding me to his chest where I can rest my cheek and hear his heartbeat against my skin.
But that’s not fair on either of us.
Not now.
“Harls,” he utters in the gentlest voice I’ve ever heard him use.
“No.” I hiccup, a sob catching in my throat. “Don’t be nice to me. I let you down.”
This is my fault. I could have been there to support him. But I ran. I panicked.
“How can you say that?” His eyes widen as his breath catches in his throat. “You’ve never let me down. It’s the other way around.”
“No. It’s my fault. I thought I was giving you more time. I thought it would be okay. I thought…” I trail off as I run out of words. Nothing I say will make this any better.
I wipe underneath my eyes with my fingertips. They come away coated in salty tears and mascara.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper again, my heart unbelievably heavy in my chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“Harls.” Reed’s eyes widen further as I break into fresh tears, and he reaches for me, but I step to the side. Having him touch me again, soothe me—it’s too much. It’s an embrace I will never want to end. It’s easier if it doesn’t even begin.
“You said it was time for a fresh start, that nothing lasts forever.” I clasp my hand over my mouth, nausea rolling in my stomach.
He frowns and pulls his chin back. “That’s not what I—" He tries to reach for me again. “Harls, listen—”
“You’re incredible. You don’t deserve any of it. This city is so lucky to have you. You gave your heart to it and—”
“The city doesn’t have my heart, Harley,” he cuts in, his voice deep and even, snapping me back to reality and bringing me firmly into the moment with him.
“But your job, you love it. It’s what you’ve spent years working toward. Justice, honesty, truth… it’s who you are.”
He straightens his back. It’s been one day since I saw him, yet I’m struck by how tall he is. Like I’m noticing for the first time. Noticing how broad and muscular his shoulders are, carrying the weight of all this on them. Noticing how powerful his thick arms. Arms that have pinned me down beneath him and held me up above him. But mostly, noticing his darkened eyes, fixed on mine, unsaid words swirling in them with an intensity that makes the world around us come to a standstill.