I’ve finished my sessions with Dr. Alverez, but I feel no more ready to face Aro again than I did the day I crept out of the house in Albuquerque like a one-night stand with a lifetime of regrets.
All of that comes to a head today because he’s coming back to the clubhouse.
Deep breathing techniques and meditation haven’t helped since Kincaid let everyone know he and Ugly are heading back. I don’t even know why I feel so anxious, but I can’t deny the way I feel is probably exactly why he was right to call an end to things.
I haven’t texted or called him. The only updates I get are through the grapevine, listening to other people talk because I figured asking questions would put a spotlight on me. I feel guilty enough about sleeping with him despite Dr. Alverez reassuring me more than once that I didn’t cross a line.
Subsequent sessions after the first one focused more on what happened in Costa Rica and how I’m dealing with my own personal trauma from that. Many people would say that if it didn’t physically happen to someone, then they shouldn’t feel any type of way about someone else’s injuries, but watching a teammate fall, seeing his blood spread out on the floor of that dirty house, changed me inside. Having what I thought was a simple crush on the man made it even worse for me, and I had a lot of shit to unpack because of it.
Dr. Alverez is a saint, letting me babble on about everything from early childhood and everything between that and what happened most recently. Talking it out helped me put a lot of things into perspective, but I’m no closer to having resolved anything where Aro is concerned.
I regret shutting down the topic of my romantic life at the beginning of my second session because I could use some guidance right now. Dr. Alverez, however, is working through the other Cerberus members, preparing them for their return to work, and has a packed schedule.
As an understanding person, I know why Aro made the tough decision to put an end to things. There’s even a part of me that knows it was the right call, but that doesn’t stop that silly part inside of me that rarely ever considers the chance at having an intimate relationship with someone where there’s actual care and concern.
It’s hard to move past that part because there are happy couples all around me. I know for a fact that fairy tales exist because it’s thrown in my face each time I walk out of my room at the clubhouse to see smiling faces, longing looks, and hints of secrets they’d never share with anyone besides the one they love.
Maybe it’s knowing it exists and realizing that I may never have that for myself that rankles so damn much.
The dream last night, the one that had Aro swinging open the front door to Cerberus, his eyes automatically searching the room for me, is another problem. Even in sleep, I can’t get away from him, but I know my reality is much different.
There isn’t a plane of existence where he’s going to rush in my direction, dip me back, and kiss me in front of everyone. He’d never declare his love for me and tell me that each second without me has been misery for him.
It didn’t stop me from waking up with a smile on my face, only to be dashed away with tears upon realizing it was a dream. My brain is an asshole, and my lack of sleep after being unable to go back to sleep has put me in the foulest mood.
I’ve spent weeks picking apart what went down with him. I know he never would’ve acted on his desires had he thought he was going to return to Cerberus. I know I was some sort of consolation prize, because the second he spoke to Kincaid, he was done.
I’ve also concluded that the sex for him wasn’t as earth shattering as it was for me, and that’s one more strike to my damn ego.
We haven’t worked since I returned, and I imagine it will be several more weeks before Kincaid feels as if everyone is ready to go back out in the field. It’s left too much time for reflection and contemplation. It’s left me feeling drained and bored at the same time. Head work is hard work, and I’d rather risk my life getting shot at than spending it stuck in my head, trying to figure out anything else.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I look up, instantly smiling at Em and Misty as they sit side by side on the couch across from me.
I know Aro and Ugly will be back soon, and I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to hide out like I was ashamed of what happened between us. I also don’t want him to think I’m mad, because I’m not. I’m a little hurt, but I’ve assured myself eventually I’ll get over it.