“What’s this, Jesse? What wasn’t supposed to end?”
“Us. This. It wasn’t supposed to end. It was supposed to go on forever, and we’d all be happy, but I know now you want him, and my fucked-up love would never be enough for you. I won’t pretend I don’t care about you anymore. It was never about revenge, Drew. I was never going to hurt you.”
My eyes begin to water. “You already did, though. Don’t you understand? Your fucked up love did hurt me.” I choke up. “But it’s also what saved me. This is my mess, Jesse. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”
He paces up to me, his gaze like lightning. The electricity is him. His energy. His madness surfacing. Jesse’s breaths are ragged, and he licks his bottom lip, and I can’t ignore it, letting my gaze land on his mouth. My heart is pounding against my chest, and my stomach feels floaty. This is unexpected. Is he actually giving me a proper goodbye? “You’re his. You’ve always been his,” Jesse whispers. “God, you’re fucking perfect. Do you know that?” Jesse swallows hard, his neck working. “Perfect in every way.”
I close my eyes to clear my head. I’m stuck in the space Jesse has always put me in. I feel weak. When I open my eyes, he’s even closer. “Fuck it,” he rasps, closing the short distance, his lips crashing into mine. Can he taste Riley? His tongue possesses my mouth, but his hands stay fisted by his sides. I’m the one who pulls away first, because even if my body craves him, I’m not that woman anymore. Reggie is standing right next to us when I open my eyes, his gaze watching Jesse’s hands. Riley’s orders were disgustingly specific, and I hate to think of the anguish Riley gave them. I take two big steps back, away from Jesse and my regret. He stays where I left him, my blanket pooled by his feet. “I want you to know,” I say, voice trembling. “That your art saved me.”
Tears come now, and Jesse watches and waits for more, chest rising and falling. “I watched you create while I was trapped in the motel. You were my dream, Jesse. That was before I knew your name. You seemed free and happy. Just you and your life. I was in love from afar with your life, art, and you. I didn’t choose what happened to me, but nothing could have stopped it, not even you. I want you to know that what I felt for you was there before I even met you.” I wipe at my face and the angry tears. “Riley is what true love looks like for me, but I’ll always remember what you did for me. I’ll always try to repay you for it, even if I don’t know what it looks like right now.”
Jesse’s bottom lip trembles and I take another step back.
“Goodbye, Jesse. Long live the Astor family.” I sob, take another step back until my shoulder blades hit the door, the same time I bring my hand to my lower stomach. Reggie unlocks the door and opens it, shifting me off it.
“I loved you as much as I could,” Jesse says. “You’ll remember me for far longer than you’ve known me. I’m sorry for that.”
His last words break me, and I cry out in agony in the hallway, unashamed at who hears it. Crossing into another bedroom, I fall face-first in the bed. The door closes softly. I think it’s Reggie giving me privacy to fall apart on my own, but it’s Amy. She climbs into bed with me and rubs my back until I fall asleep—a ball of high-key emotions and soul-crushing realizations. It’s dusk when she shakes me awake and tells me it’s time to get ready.
“We let you sleep as long as we could. We’ll be the last ones to arrive,” Amy says.
Pirelle comes out of the closet holding an outfit, and Chaz is in the adjoining bathroom, heating up a curling iron. They get me ready in record time even though I can’t stop crying.
Reggie pulls me aside before I get into the blacked-out SUV in the drive. “He didn’t want me to wake you, but he wanted me to give you this.” He hands me a box.
I open it and pull out the diamond-studded sun necklace. I love it more than my bracelet. I clip it around my neck and straighten the pendant that hangs right between my breasts.
Reggie takes the box from me. “There’s more.”
I nod. “What?”
“He said if you wore it tonight, make sure you know who you are rooting for.”
I lose my breath. How could he question my loyalty? “I won’t get a chance to talk to him before the fight?”
“There are other fights happening before the Astor fight. Those are happening as we speak. The sooner we get there, the better if you want to speak to him.”
“Thank you, Reggie. You won’t say anything about the kiss, will you?”
He closes his eyes and exhales noisily. “I’d never hurt him like that on purpose, Drew. I’m glad you stopped it before it went further. I was worried I’d have to lie about much worse.”
“You’d lie to him?”
“Do you not understand how much you mean to him? He’s a fair man, and he gave orders for me to let you control the situation with Jesse. I wasn’t to stop it if you wanted it. I’m a man in love and can tell you, I’d tear someone limb from limb before I gave an order that self-sacrificing. At first, I thought it was so he could be properly angry for the fight, then I saw how sad he was, and I knew it was more than that. He was worried about your happiness.”
I lose my breath. “Thank you for being honest, Reggie. Thank you.”
“We’re already late,” he says. I get into the back seat, and he scoots in next to me. The pit of dread in my stomach blossoms into something more sinister the closer we get. Even PACHA chatting around me can’t distract me from what’s to come.
***
I press my hands against a measly piece of plexiglass as my worst nightmare unfolds in front of me. Not only did I not get to talk to Riley, but we also barely made it here before the fight started. There are more people than I’ve seen in one place in my entire life. The box, if you can call it that, is inside the actual arena. There are about forty spaced apart. The general admission crowd is above the boxes seated on stairs that wrap all the way around. I’m in a box with so many security guards I can’t breathe without smelling their cologne. Reggie is next to me, focused on the dirt floor area with as much terror as I feel.
“Why couldn’t I sit with Amy?” I understand it’s too risky to sit with Riley’s parents but being alone is making me crazy.
“She is top tier, too, Drew. Listen, we’re doing the best we can.” It’s the closest thing to a snap I’ve heard from him. He’s stressed because this is complete drunken madness. There’s one office at the top of the seating that people are running from. That’s where bets are made, I figure. “I’m here with you,” he says, and he’s right.
I grab his hand and hold it tightly. “Who is protecting them?” I say, more tears leaking down my face. It’s dirty. It’s gritty. It’s my past in one location. Memories from my childhood wash over me like painful punches only I can endure.