His eyes narrowed as he studied me. "Are you okay? You look a little pale."
"I was feeling a little under the weather today."
"Then it's settled. We’ll get takeout."
I managed a smile.
I went to bed that night, and as I lay in bed next to James after a quick round of sex, I had a difficult time pushing away the disappointment I was feeling. That was a bad sign. I realized that the life I'd been living the last month or so was what I had envisioned with Dean. Feeling successful at work. Having fun and laughing at home. Being happy.
But this life with James was fake. Could a life like this with Dean be real?
Two days later,I was having lunch out with Vivie to critique each other's writing for our romance course.
"You know everybody says they want to have a life like a romance novel, but have you read any of these things? There's so much angst and drama and hurt. Who wants to go through that?"
I nodded in agreement. "I think that's why it’s fiction."
She sat back, letting out a long sigh. "Why would you want to read about it? All you have to do is try it in real life to experience the drama. Only in real life, there’s no happy ending."
I tilted my head to the side, wondering what she was talking about. "Is everything all right?"
She hadn't told me she was seeing anybody, but maybe she had a date that went bad.
"It's nothing." She shrugged and picked up the glass of wine she'd ordered with her lunch and sipped.
"You can talk to me. I'm not a shrink, but I can be a friend,” I encouraged her.
The quick flash of heat in her eyes lasered me. "That's rich coming from the woman who's keeping secrets from me."
I felt the guilt she intended me to feel, even though I wasn't sure why.
"I know about you and James. I know you're in some sort of marriage of convenience."
I sighed. "Yes. But there's not a lot to tell. In fact, everything is going really smoothly."
She arched a brow. "That means you're sleeping with him. Are you sure that's wise?"
My initial urge was to deny it, but this was the second time she’d called me out for not being a good friend. Since she was the only friend I had, I didn't want to alienate her more.
"We’re very clear on the situation. In less than a year, we'll divorce. But in the meantime, there's no reason we can't enjoy it."
She continued to look at me skeptically. "How are you going to keep all that sex from becoming more than just sex? Seems like after a while, the lines between friendship and love can blur."
I did my best to keep my face impassive so she didn't know just how true her words were. I wasn't ready to say them out loud. Hell, I wasn't ready to admit them to myself. I was afraid to admit that I was falling for my husband.
"I'm making plans for my life after this marriage. I'm planning to travel and do all the things... once I figure out what those things are."
Her dubious expression remained. "Well, I hope you're right."
"Now that you know my secret, what's going on with you?" I drank my water, deciding on it instead of wine because my stomach was still uneasy.
"I just had somebody reach out to me that I thought I'd cut out."
How weird. So did I. "Is this an ex-someone?"
She nodded and took another gulp of her wine. "We met in college. And you know how when you're young like that, and you’re swept up with emotion, and you think it's the real thing. I was sure he was the one. But by the end of our relationship, he'd developed an addiction. I might have stuck around if that's all it was. You know, he was a good person. I wanted to help him."
I nodded, understanding that it couldn't be easy to see someone you loved struggle with addiction.