What I’m not sorry for is being a woman having safe, consensual sex. The other things I wrote? The things about my sex life? Those things being exposed is a violation. It was no one’s place to ever read that, unless I chose to show them. Having my experiences shared with millions of people was not something I ever thought would happen. I experienced things with these men, firsts that can never happen again, things that are special, and those things were shared with the world to be judged and ridiculed. The comments left under that blog post are some of the worst I’ve seen. Because I made a choice to have sex with three men that I love, I have received death threats. I’ve had men tell me they plan to find me and rape me. Women have told me that I’m what’s wrong with the world. I’m supposedly evil. I deserve to be jailed. All of this because someone else chose to share my private sex life.Idid not put this out there.Idid not release this version of my own sex tape to sell and make money off of. Without my consent, the details of my private life were exposed.
When I realized this had been published and the response it was getting, I did what I thought was right. I wanted to get far away from the men that mean the world to me. I didn’t want to dirty them with my new image. If someone did feel compelled to follow through on their death threats, I didn’t want to be near them if it happened. I picked up my grandma and we ditched town. Yeah, my grandma. She doesn’t have a single care that I was sleeping with three men every night. She was with me, no matter what. I’ve been away from my men for almost three days now. I haven’t spoken to them, haven’t let them know where I was, haven’t dared extend so much as a single line of communication. I thought it was for their safety at first. Then, I told myself it was for the best. B deserves a healthy relationship with his daughter without me standing in the way. Then, I slowly understood that I was punishing myself. Not for hurting my best friend. I was punishing myself for being the things strangers were calling me. I’m not those things, though. And if D has taught me anything, it’s that a good punishment makes you feel better. You deal with the wrong and then let it go. This? Being away from my guys? It’s not a punishment. It’s torture.
I understand that maybe our lifestyle isn’t for everyone. That’s okay. I’m not asking you to live it. I’m simply asking you to mind your own business.
To my guys. If you haven’t gotten it by now, I’m crazy in love with each of you. I miss you. I miss watching you scowl while reading my blog, H. The food reviews. I miss seeing you get huffy because I complimented another chef’s food. I miss your pasta. It’s as gentle as its maker. I miss listening to you sing in the shower, B. You sound like shit, but I love it. I miss seeing you look offended when you realize I’m laughing at you. I miss your abs. There are just so many of them. D, I miss watching you pretend to work. I miss seeing that infinite amount of control you have slip when you can’t focus because I’m close by. I miss teasing you and being in your lap while you read. I miss your beard. Every spot of beard burn I have has healed.
I’m ready to come home. I meant what I said when I said I’m all in. Sorry I tried to run. I trusted B when he said he’d find me. I’m honestly surprised you’re not already here. What’s taking so long? You three will have to move faster when the baby comes.
I love you.
Yours.
I published the new blog post and moved away from Mazie’s computer. I hoped I hadn’t hurt them when I ran. I hoped they’d come. I hoped they loved me the way I thought they did.
59
***Dominic***
Thecarridefromthe airport to the retirement community Sugar was hiding in felt like it took another four days. I’d never felt so out of control and strung out. I’d developed a tick in my right eye that was making me fucking nuts and, as much as I loved Samantha, if I had to listen to her crying for another minute, I was going to throw one of us out of the car. My knee bounced until my calf cramped, and I’d spent so much time drumming my fingers over things to find some semblance of peace that my fingertips had blistered.
“Drop us off at the hotel, please.” Reba, Sugar’s stepmom, narrowed her eyes at Bill when he opened his mouth to object. “Bill, you’ve done enough. If SJ decides she wants to see us tonight after reuniting with her men, she’ll come to us.”
I felt for the man. Not enough to offer him any reassurances, though, when I thought of how he’d spoken to Sugar. He’d pissed his wife off and it seemed like he was going to be in the doghouse for a very long time. After spending several days with him, I knew he was doing a good job of beating himself up, too.
Barrett nodded to Reba. “Of course. We’ll be dropping Samantha off, too.”
“Dad!” Samantha sat up from where Mike was holding her and wiped her eyes. “No, Dad. I need to see her. I did this and I need to apologize.”
The Barrett from before Sugar had vanished. I’d watched him shift from accepting whatever bullshit Maggie said about him to keep from causing trouble, to sitting Samantha down and correcting her about everything. He had a fire in his gut and he wasn’t interacting with his daughter like he was trying to earn her forgiveness anymore. I’d watched him comfort her while also being real with her about how much she’d fucked up. I’d also watched him sit her down and explain that nothing she did would make him love Sugar less. He’d explained his feelings and apologized for keeping it from her. Then, he’d suggested she learn to deal with it because he wasn’t giving Sugar up.
“You don’t need to see her more than we do right now, Sam. You can apologize at the hotel tonight.” He rubbed his hands down his thighs and blew out a harsh breath. “If she’s ready to speak to you.”
Holden sat forward with his elbows on his knees and stared out the window next to him. “We all know Sugar won’t hold a grudge. She’s not the type.”
Samantha started crying louder and I hit my head against the seat behind me. I was going to lose my mind. We had to get there soon.
“When things settle down, I’d like to talk with SJ, too. I owe her an apology.” Reba looked at Samantha and offered a gentle smile. “It seems that we all do stupid things in an attempt to ease our own aches at times. Reading through SJ’s blog has shown me that I’ve treated her like she felt one way about me from the beginning. I had a chip on my shoulder about being so close to her in age when I married Bill. I thought she assumed the worst of me and I treated her like that. It never occurred to me that maybe she thought of me as the evil stepmom because I’d been treating her that way.”
Holden turned to face her and nodded. “She deserves a big family who love and respect her.”
Barrett reached over and squeezed Holden’s shoulder. “She’s going to get it. You, too.”
I scrubbed at my face and then looked at my watch. “This is taking fucking forever.”
“Did she really mean she’s pregnant?” Bill’s question was quiet, but it blasted through the car as loud as a train horn. “Am I going to be a grandpa?”
Samantha sniffed. “We always cycle together. I looked through her journal again, just to check the dates.”
“Goddammit, Sam.”
“Dad! I just wanted to know for sure. I was scared that you’d get your hopes up and then it might be a typo.”
“No more going through the journal. Do you have it with you?” Barrett held out his hand for it when she nodded. “Never again, Sam.”
She nodded, but didn’t let go right away when Barrett grabbed it. “I have an idea, though. Hear me out, okay?”
60