“Are you suggesting that I don’t?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. Just that it’s been many years since we knew each other, and I thought it was wise to get counsel of my own.”
“I agree,” Casciani says, to my surprise. “And the conclusion that you and they have come to is that the alliance I have proposed is a wise one?”
I nod. “I will accept your offer of an engagement to your daughter, Adriana. My one stipulation is that the wedding be delayed until the danger to the woman under my protection has been dealt with, and she can be returned home. After that, the marriage will take place, and I will make my home base here in Italy, at my family estate. I will go back and forth between here and New York, but my primary work will be done here, with the old Families that my father respected.”
“I like the sound of that.” Casciani smiles at me, the best humor that I’ve seen from him so far. “How do you suggest that we announce your engagement? I want it to be done soon, so that the betrothal can be signed and witnessed in front of a priest–as good as a marriage, until your terms are met.”
My chest clenches at the finality of that thought, of that ultimate loss of what I love and want most.It’s the right thing to do,I tell myself, despite the burning pain in my gut.You have to stop the back and forth with you and Sasha. This will do it–irrevocably.
“A gala at the Agosti estate,” I say decisively. “A week from now–my housekeeper will be thrilled to have that to organize in such a short time. All of the Families there to witness it. I will ask your daughter to be my bride, and then the next day, we will have it witnessed at the church. An alliance made and set.”
Casciani nods, his smile widening. “Made and set,” he echoes. “I’m glad you’ve come to see things this way, son. Your father would be proud of you.”
Even as he says it, standing to shake my hand as I stand as well, I’m not sure that I believe him. In the deepest parts of myself, I want to believe that I’ve made my father proud. But a tiny, small voice in my mind whispers that this is the path of cowardice, yet again–the easiest way. That he would see that and say it to me, if he were alive.
But he’s not, and this is my choice–the way I see forward is to save the woman I love…by losing her forever.
—
I’m dreading breaking the news to Sasha, but I know I can’t leave it until the night of the party and spring it on her. It would be cruel, and the last thing in the world that I want is to be cruel to her.
I find her in the library, curled up in the window seat. She doesn’t look up at first, and I clear my throat softly, waiting for her to acknowledge me. It hurts to see the look on her face when she does, carefully shuttered as if she doesn’t want me to see what she’s thinking.
“I need to talk to you,” I say gently. Sasha sets the book that she’s holding down slowly, pressing her lips together as she swings her legs off of the side and sits facing me, holding onto the edge of the seat with both hands as she leans forward.
“Okay,” she says hesitantly, making no move to get up or come towards me–and in the end, I know that’s probably for the best, even as it twists the knife in my chest.Distance is what you need. What is best. You know that.
“I went to the Casciani estate this morning,” I say slowly, thinking of how best to say what needs to be said. “He’s agreed to give me his backing, along with encouraging the other families to do so, considering the long respect he and my father held for each other.”
Sasha nods, her lips still a thin line on her pale face. “That’s good, right?”
“It is, but–it comes with a price.”
I see the tremor that goes through her, but she says nothing, letting me finish.
“I’m to be engaged to his daughter, Adriana. At a gala, here, in a week’s time.”
I see Sasha jerk back, as if the words physically struck her. She swallows hard, reeling, and then her eyes flick up to mine, glassy with hurt.
“Do you love her?” she asks quietly, and it’s my turn to recoil at that.
“Of course not,” I snort, shaking my head. “I barely know her, or like her. I don’t remember her from when we were children, and I’ve met her once since then. It has nothing to do with love.”
“So lust, then,” Sasha says tonelessly, and I let out a long sigh.
“No,” I tell her firmly. “It’s not love or lust.”
Against my better judgment, I step forward, walking towards her until there are only a few inches between her and me. As I kneel down in front of her, reaching out to gently tip up her chin until her eyes meet mine.
“The only woman I have ever lusted after is you, Sasha,” I say quietly. “Not just for the way your skin feels under my hands, soft and warm, or the way you kiss me, how your lips feel against mine. Not just for the way it feels when I slip inside of you, or how beautiful you are, or the way you sound when you moan for me in bed. I lust after you because of whoyouare, because of your beauty, yes, but also your strength and your fire and your bravery and sweetness–all the same things that make me love you, and will make me love you until the day that I die.”
I pull back, my hands dropping in front of me, seeing the tears gather in her blue eyes as they stare back at me. “All we do now is hurt each other, Sasha. As long as I’m free, you’re always going to want me, and I’ll never be able to stop wanting you. You’ll never move on, and neither will I. We’ll be trapped in this loop forever, wanting and hurting, until we tear each other apart–or until I give in and put you in danger because of it.”
I take a deep, unsteady breath. “So what I’m doing, Sasha, is taking myself out of the equation. You can live your life then, the way you should be able to. When the danger to you from your father is handled, you can move on, and I’ll use my influence to make sure that no one can ever hurt you, ever again.”
Sasha jerks back, her eyes wide with grief. “That’s not true,” she whispers harshly. “You’re hurting me right now, by doing this.”