He turned and saw her standing there next to the tree that, in his mind had been a real turning point for them. The moment when he’d decided that they could work. And it broke his heart. She hadn’t been as honest with him as he’d been with her.
He didn’t say anything because his hurt and anger made him want to keep lashing out and he wasn’t sure he could contain it.
“I just didn’t know you and then I started to get to know you and my gut was saying to trust you, but still... I was afraid,” she choked out. “That’s not fair to you but that’s the reality. I wish I could say that I had some good reason but things were going well and I wanted to...well, enjoy this Christmas with you.”
He put his hands on his hips and looked at the floor. “I wanted that too. But I’m falling for you, Paisley. And you were keeping this from me. I don’t know how to make that right in my mind.”
“I get it. I felt the same way,” she admitted. “I can give you time if you think that’s what you need.”
“What I need...” he muttered under his breath. What was that exactly? He had no idea what he needed. “Tell me about the baby. Did you think I’d be a crap father is that part of why you hesitated?”
He looked across the room at her. She wrapped her arms around her waist and he remembered her throwing up just a minute before. “Wait, isn’t morning sickness supposed to just be in the morning?”
“Yeah, I mean I haven’t thrown up at night before. I think it was the stress...knowing I had to tell you, afraid of what would happen and all that.”
He cursed succinctly under his breath. “Sit down. Can I get you anything?”
She shook her head as she moved to the couch and sat down again. He came over as well, sitting in an easy chair that was kitty-corner to the sofa.
“I didn’t know what kind of father you’d be or if you even want to be one. Do you?”
Did he?He knew in an instant that he did. He couldn’t walk away from a baby of his. Did he have a clue what to do? Hell, no, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. “Of course.”
“I thought so, but at first you were someone I didn’t know,” she said. “I know it’s a sorry excuse but on top of everything else, I had to wait.”
“I get the waiting. Honestly, I do. But after carolling and the tree and the party at Delaney’s...it seemed like you did get to know me and you still weren’t sure.”
That he realized was the crux of this situation for him. She didn’t trust him. She didn’t trust any man really. And until she did, they had no future. It wasn’t about if he could fly back and forth to the West Coast, or if he had to beonwhen they were in public. This was a much deeper issue and she was the only one who could fix it.
“I know,” she said sadly. “It’s not fair to you.”
“You’re right, its not. So tell me about the pregnancy,” he said. That was something he could focus on.
“I’m five weeks along. I have another doctor’s appointment the second week of January. I’ve had some morning sickness but not too bad.”
“Any ideas how it happened?” he asked. He almost always used a condom.
“I think it was that party the weekend before Halloween when we got back from Olive’s and—”
“We did it in the hallway and I didn’t get a condom,” he said.
“Yeah.”
God, he’d been so hot for her, he couldn’t wait to have her. Looking back, he knew it was the pressure of keeping his true identity from her while falling for her. But he hadn’t realized it at the time. He’d just rearranged their clothing and taken her up against the wall.
It had been hard and fast, just pure, primal need. He hadn’t been thinking...
“I need time to process this and figure out how to move forward. I want to be involved in the baby’s life.”
“But not mine?” she asked.
The words were ripped from the raw part of her that sort of got what he was saying, but ached at what it meant. The inner battle she’d been waging within herself had disappeared when she’d seen how hurt he was by her silence about the baby.
In that moment she’d known that he was a man she could trust with her heart and soul. But that she’d hurt him so badly he might never want that. It hadn’t been easy to keep the baby from him in the last few weeks, but she’d felt she had no choice.
She had been letting the past rule her present and had totally compromised the future. With a sinking heart, she sat on her couch, looking over at Sean next to that tree they’d decorated. That was when she should have told him the truth. That moment. But...she hadn’t been able to.
She could beat herself up all she wanted to about the timing but this was the first moment she’d felt like she could tell him.