“I was sick of seeing the same four walls. I needed a change of scenery.” I shrugged my shoulders like it was normal to stay holed up in my bedroom for days on end.
“How are you feeling?”
“If being around me is an imposition, I can find another place to live. Maybe head back to my family’s house.” It seemed like no one wanted me anymore. Was I only attractive when Luke hurt me?
“What? That’s not what I said.” Joseph whirled around, sauce flinging from the spoon he used for cooking.
“It’s what I heard. I’m so sick of these feelings. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Love. Loss. Grief. They just make me awful.”
I didn’t realize I was hyperventilating until Joseph crossed the room and grabbed my shoulders and encouraged me to breathe. He rubbed my upper arms in comfort until I caught my breath and tempered down the rising anxiety attack.
“What are you trying to say, Hana? I don’t understand.”
I sighed. Leave it to Joseph to get dramatic on me. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does if you’re bringing it up. Why don’t you call that counselor the hospital gave you a card for? They have an entire group for support.”
“I don’t need support,” I snapped. “I don’t need help.” I looked down at my hand and wanted to snarl at the space where my ring should sit. The doctors had said my hormones would be going wild as well. Surely much of what I felt could be attributed to this. Maybe?
“You need something. We can make a pros and cons list.”
I scoffed. “I hate your lists.”
“Yet, every time you make one, you feel a lot better about the decision you want to make.” Joseph shot me a knowing look.
“I just wish I could turn it all off. Who needs feelings?” A little hopelessness slipped into my voice as it shook. I felt distant from my own ears. How does someone turn off their emotions?
“People who don’t want to be psycho killers.” Joseph quipped.
I couldn’t help but laugh. He was good at that. “I think the food is burning.” I motioned toward the pot.
“Shit.” Joseph dropped his hands from my shoulders and rushed back to the stove.
Wincing, I rubbed my chest where the pain resided. “I’m not really hungry. I think I’ll go lay down. I feel like I’ve already used all my allotted peopling skills for the day.” I turned to leave.
“Wait. How about I make you a deal.”
“What kind of deal?” I loved having options. Wallowing in my room wasn’t what I wanted to do. But I also didn’t want to sit around and talk about my feelings. Like, I’d lost my child, I can’t have anymore. End of story.
“How about I bring you a plate in bed and you eat as much as you can. Then we take a walk to get some fresh air. Do these two things for me, and I won’t bring up the counselor for another week at best.”
“Just a week?” What could I say? I was used to being spoiled by Joseph. Now that he was at my beck and call, I couldn’t help but want to push him more. Until I’d gotten what I wanted. Some things he couldn’t give. My eyes caught on my finger again. I couldn’t stop hating what happened. When would it get better?
“Yes, only a week. You can’t keep going the way you have. I know that you don’t have to go to work to pay rent, but how are you going to pay for your car and insurance if you have no income?”
Leave it to Joseph to be the levelheaded person of the two of us right now. As usual.
“You’re right. I should get back to work right this minute.” Sarcasm dripped from my words, and I stopped just short of rolling my eyes behind his back.
“Yeah, no, you need to go lay down before I bend your bratty ass over the table and spank you with my spoon.” Joseph waved it about for emphasis.
I smiled, the threat making me giddy for some reason. I gave him a hug. “I know you just have my best interests at heart right now. We both know I haven’t been making the best decisions.”
“I just love you, Hana-Banana. Go rest. I’ll bring you a plate when it’s ready.”
“I love you, too. Thank you for taking care of me. I couldn’t have gotten through this without you.” I let him go and headed out of the kitchen back to my room.
Joseph was making my favorite: spaghetti. I loved pasta, and it smelled delicious, but the thought of eating it right now turned my stomach. I stopped in the bathroom to change my pad and gauze. My body had effects from not only trauma of the rape but of expelling my baby. I was having my first period after my loss.