‘So you made it to a pharmacy.’
Not exactly. I’d put it off and off and then it had been too late. At the time I hadn’t understood why I’d dithered but I’d realised later that I must have subconsciously wanted to be for ever linked to him all along. Nature, on the other hand, had had other ideas. ‘There turned out to be no need.’
‘You must be delighted.’
‘Yet I’m not.’
‘I’m not up to these riddles,’ he said tightly. ‘My head aches. Please go away.’
He stalked to the door and held it open, but I ignored it. ‘I’ve come a long way to see you,’ I said, planting my feet more firmly to the floor.
‘That’s not my problem.’
‘I called my mother. You were right about her. She doesn’t blame me for anything. She’d told Seb that she was jealous of me when she was at her lowest and regretted it ever since. It was all in my head. And you were also right about my father. He was no saint. He had affairs too. I was labouring under a number of misapprehensions and for years I let this dictate my life, but I can see now that none of it had anything to do with me.’
‘I couldn’t be less interested.’
‘In fact, you were right about everything.’
‘Not everything.’
I took a deep breath, overwhelmed by the need to get the words out that were piling up in my head. ‘I’m so sorry for how I reacted when you said you loved me. I wasn’t ready to hear it. My response was shocking. The things I said were appalling. I’m devastated I hurt you. I was scared. I still am. You hit that nail on the head too. Everyone I care about leaves me. But that was no excuse.’
‘I would never have left you.’
‘I know that now,’ I said, my chest tightening with pain and regret. ‘I was blinded by the hang-ups that I’ve had for far too long. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. You’ve never let me down and I know you never will. I do trust you. I love you. I really really do. I think I have for years. That’s why your attitude towards me hurt so much. Deep down, I’ve always envied my brother for his relationship with you. I’ve been so jealous of the blondes. I mean, one night you rescued me from a party and I actually wanted to scratch the eyes out of the one you were with. I know your habits. Your fears. I know you. And you know me. We belong together, Nick.’
‘No,’ he said flatly. ‘We don’t. I offered you everything and in return you destroyed me. You’re a reminder of my weaknesses and I don’t need that.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘There is nothing for you here, so please, just go.’
‘I don’t want to go.’
‘And I don’t want you to stay.’
Right.
Right.
I blew out a breath and nodded slowly even though inside I was falling apart at the realisation there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. I’d ruined everything. I’d killed whatever he’d once felt for me. I’d been such a fool and I had no one but myself to blame.
On legs that were shaking like a leaf, my heart breaking, I made it to the door and past him, even though I so badly wanted to stop there, beg him for his forgiveness and—
‘Wait.’
My heart stopped and then began to thunder. Hope surged. I whirled around. ‘Yes?’
‘You forgot your dress.’
He thrust it at me and I took it numbly. ‘Thank you.’
As I stumbled downstairs, my throat tightened painfully and hot tears started to prick at my eyes. What was I going to do? How was I going to get over this? Somehow I managed to pull out my phone and pull up James’ number. He couldn’t have got very far. I hadn’t been here very long. I’d hoped for a better outcome.
And then, at the bottom of the stairs, as my finger hovered over the small green button, I paused, my heart crashing against my ribs.
No.