“I think I’m going to go to bed,” I tell her.
Hannah shakes her head as she sets the pizzas on the table in front of me. “I know you’re hurt and sad, and you deserve to feel both, but you need this. We all do.”
I want to object and tell her I’m feeling more Grinch-like than jolly, but my words to Nolan about good and bad days ring in my ear. Katie and Hannah have been there for a lot of my good days, many of my okay days, and they’ve tried being here for some of my worst and I’ve continued to shut them out just as I did last year when discovering Ezra and April had been sleeping together.
“Thanks for picking up pizzas,” I say.
She offers a compassionate smile and sits next to me. “Nolan called and apologized to me on my way home.”
I nod. “He stopped by and apologized to me, too.”
“How are you feeling?”
I shrug. “A little numb and really tired.”
Hannah wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to her.
“I was ready to make up with him and just excuse the weekend. I wanted to, but I don’t want this to be our norm. What if something happens next month—what if I make him mad or something I do disappoints him? Is he going to leave and just disappear for another couple of days?” I turn to Hannah. “My sister walks on eggshells around her husband because he always leaves when he gets mad. He goes and stays in a hotel or at his parents, and so instead of talking about things or fighting, they just glaze over it—and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be afraid to discuss when something’s bothering me and I don’t want him to feel that way, either.”
“Did you tell Nolan about this?”
I shake my head. “I will, but I didn’t want to make it about my brother-in-law because even if he wasn’t that way, what Nolan did would have upset me.”
“Did he say why he did it?”
“He didn’t want me to see him mad and upset. I don’t know. It’s probably that whole pre-frontal cortex crap you were telling me about.”
Hannah shakes her head. “God, I regret telling you about that.”
“Why? It helps me realize that this is temporary. That he’s temporary because sometimes I forget.”
Hannah swallows. “These past few months have taught me a lot. Not only about who to trust but also about love and friendship. I know we’re going to remain friends way past the time we’re twenty-five. Fuck pre-frontal cortexes and expectations. Forget what I said. Maybe there’s never a right time or an easier time. We’re always going to have a million things vying for our time and attention, responsibilities and obligations. Nolan messed up because he didn’t want to look weak in front of you, but I don’t have a single doubt that he’s in love with you and would do anything for you.” She stares at me a moment as though ensuring I’m listening to her, then hugs me tight.
Tears clog in my throat. Though Nolan’s only been in my life for a few months, it’s become impossible for me to to consider any part of my future without him in it.
The front door unlocks and Katie appears, Carsen behind her, holding a pastry box. “I know you’re not big on sweets, but these cupcakes are so good, you have to try at least one. And they’re all so cute. They decorated them for Christmas. There’s a snowman, and a Santa’s hat, and these cute little gingerbread men…” She takes off her coat and folds it over the banister. “Tonight’s going to be great.”
It feels forced and a little too blatant as they join us in the living room, voices too chipper.
We each eat a couple of slices of pizza and then move the furniture around so the tree can be centered in the living room. Carsen brings the tree down from the utility room and we help him set it up and straighten the branches.
At home, in Vegas, our tree is filled with an eclectic combination of ornaments that Geoff, Lanie, and I made over the years, combined with different ones that have been gifted to us and a few we’ve purchased, but our tree is themed with snow—a decision we made last year with April after joking how we’d never have a white Christmas here in Oleander Springs. Snowmen, icicles, snowflakes, a penguin on a snowflake—every ornament is centered around snow.
I try my damndest to smile and remain present, even when my thoughts wander to Nolan and how I’d imagined him here with us decorating the tree. I try to ignore the niggling thought of sitting with him in the living room, curled up on the couch with the Christmas lights glowing as we created our own memories and traditions as we had with Thanksgiving.
By the time the decorations are all set up, the house looks joyful and bright, and I’m exhausted both physically and emotionally.
“I think I’m going to head to bed,” I tell them.
“Are you sure?” Katie asks. “We still have cupcakes. We could put in a movie.”
“I have an early class tomorrow and I haven’t been sleeping well.”
Katie winces. “Would you be up for going to lunch tomorrow?”
It’s the last thing I want to agree to, yet I do because I know she’s making an effort and the least I can do is accept.
Chapter34