Summer and I share a look. She doesn’t even know half of what my mother did to me, yet she understands. I’ve never shared with Monty any of those things. He only knows about the usual complaints—how controlling she is. Rude. A complete snob. All traits he finds admirable.
Would he find her attempted-murderer status admirable?
I’m hoping not.
By the time our lunch date is over, it’s well past three o’clock. Monty is three sheets to the wind, and Summer is ready for a nap.
And I’m eager to return home and prepare for my boyfriend’s arrival from work. Work he won’t really discuss with me, which only makes it all the more intriguing. My secretive Spencer. I can’t judge, though.
I’m just as secretive. Though not so much anymore. I opened up to him, and I’m hoping as time goes by, I can get him to open up to me.
Maybe.
TWENTY-FOUR
SYLVIE
The past
I’m lyingin my bed, Spence next to me. He’s long and lanky and so incredibly warm. Despite the furnace-like heat radiating from him, I’m shivering, yanking the covers up to my chin to ward off the chill, but it’s no use.
I’m cold to the very bone.
“Hey.” He slings an arm around me, his sleepy voice lighting me up inside. “You’re shaking.”
“C-cold,” I admit, snuggling closer to him.
Late at night, he comes to my room at Lancaster Prep, and we lie in bed and hold each other and talk. In between all the kissing, that is. Can’t forget the kissing.
He’s trying to get it to progress further and there’s a part of me that wants that. That wants him.
And then there’s that other part of me that’s terrified to take it beyond kissing. To do so means we’re getting closer, and when you get closer to someone, you shouldn’t have any secrets.
I have a ton of them. Every one of them would have him running away from me. And I wouldn’t blame him.
That’s why I keep my secrets to myself. And why I won’t let him take what we have any further. It’s scary.
He scares me.
No, my feelings for Spencer scare me. I have never cared for someone beyond family members, and most of the time, I can barely tolerate them.
“Part of your problem is you’re so skinny,” he admonishes, making me feel terrible. “You’re not eating, are you?”
I cling to him, my eyes sliding closed when he wraps me up in his arms. “I’m never hungry.”
“Have you told the doctor this?” He knows all about my doctor visits with my mother. Though I don’t think he realizes just how many times I go, or how many I see.
“Yes,” I lie, my voice muffled against the solid wall of his chest. Every part of Spencer is solid. Real. Grounding. There is no one else who makes me feel safe. Not a single person in this world but Spence.
“I’m worried about you.” He runs his fingers through my hair, and I note the concern in his voice. He cares. Probably too much.
It doesn’t matter. I’ll take whatever bit of concern and feeling he has for me and savor it always. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be in this world, and I’m afraid these moments are drying up. Soon I’ll be gone.
And Spencer will move on.
The idea is too painful to contemplate, so I shove it from my mind.
“Can I admit something to you?” I ask him, my voice hushed in the quiet stillness of the room.