Sylvie laughs. Actually laughs, like I just told the most hilarious joke. “Augustus Lancaster only notices what’s going on when it directly involves him. He’s the most selfish Lancaster I know, and I know lots of them, trust me. But I love my father. I don’t blame him for not noticing. He was too focused on Carolina back then. Besides, my parents’ relationship has never been great, and he was living in his own world most of the time. I’m not surprised at all that he didn’t realize what was going on. He was too wrapped up in his own bullshit.”
I hate that he was oblivious. That we all were. Guilt fills me, threatens to pour out in a litany of words of meaningless apology, but I press my lips together, keeping them all inside.
Words are meaningless. Action is required in a situation like this.
“Are you feeling guilty?” When I meet her gaze, I find her peering at me with all-knowing eyes. “Don’t, Spence. You didn’t know. And you were just a kid. What could you have done?”
“I should’ve known. I should’ve believed you,” I say fiercely, wishing I could fight all of her demons for her. Even after all these years, and all the disappointment and frustration and anger, I still want to defend her. Protect her.
I will always want to do that, even when she pushes me away.
I don’t know if I can take much more of this kind of shit, but I also know I can’t resist her. I’m loyal to a fault. My father always said that, making it sound like a character flaw when I’m just like him. Besides, my loyalty means I stand by his side no matter what, which is to his advantage.
“I tried to make light of it, like it was a joke. How could you believe me when you thought I was joking?” She shakes her head when I start to say something, cutting me off. “Stop with the guilt. I’m just glad you’re here. If I wanted anyone to find me, it would be you.”
Shocked pleasure courses through me at her words. “Really?”
“Yes,” she whispers, leaning over to settle her small, pale hand over mine. “You’re my favorite human in this world, Spencer. Even if I have a funny way of showing it, you mean more to me than anyone else.”
I stare at her hand on my own, tempted to turn mine over and interlock our fingers. But I don’t do it. Not yet. My feelings for Sylvie are…complicated. Being with her has brought them all roaring back, and I don’t know what to do with them.
Giving in could be a mistake.
One I might never recover from.
FIFTEEN
SYLVIE
It’s such a cliché,but after telling Spencer everything about my mother, I feel lighter. Like I just relieved myself of all my past burdens, and I’m finally free to just…live.
He took it all surprisingly well, but I know my Spencer. He digests information almost impassively, turning it over and over in his mind until the real emotions eventually build and grow, and if it makes him mad enough, he’ll eventually blow up.
I expect that to happen. He’ll become angry, and honestly?
I want to see that. I want him mad on my behalf. I want him to become my knight in shining armor and defend me against all the evils in the world. Even if those evils are related to me, I want him to show them no mercy.
Would he do that for me? Or have I ruined my chance?
Once we cleaned up after lunch, I told him I was going to take a nap, and he said he’d take a shower. I’m locked away in my massive bedroom, staring out the window at all the trees, not napping at all.
I can’t sleep. I’m too attuned to the man who’s staying in the room next to mine. I could hear the water running from his shower and my imagination went into overdrive. Spence naked, standing under the spray of water, the steam rising, obscuring him from view. His hair wet and slicked back, droplets clinging to his thick eyelashes.
My core throbs just thinking about it. It’s been too long since I’ve been with a man. Far, far too long.
Longer than anyone would imagine, especially Spencer.
I may have purged most of my secrets, but he didn’t say a damn thing about his own and I’m curious. What exactly is he doing, working for his family? What is he involved in? Why was it so easy for him to drop everything and come in search of me?
If he’s still so angry with me, why did he even come here? Does he still care about me? Or is it more out of habit than anything else?
Does he have a girlfriend? Or a woman he’s seeing? He didn’t bring a date to Whit’s wedding, so I’m assuming no, which is a tremendous relief. If I can’t have him, I don’t want anyone else to have him either.
Ah, my Lancaster tendencies always come out to play when it comes to wanting something. Or someone.
I hear the guest bathroom door creak open and I tell myself to resist, but it’s like I can’t. I slide off the bed and tiptoe over to the door, slowly opening it a sliver and peeking out. The guest bathroom is diagonal from my bedroom and I can see inside. Barely.
Steam billows out of the bathroom and I smile to myself. Spencer always did like an extremely hot shower. Guess some things haven’t changed.