And thankfully, Harper seemed a lot more willing to make small talk with me now than she had been willing to talk to me the other day, and I took that as a good sign. I wanted to believe that Mrs. Elliot was right, and that the two of us were meant for each other.
I wanted to believe her mother was right in introducing us in the first place. I wanted to believe that the feelings we shared for each other were real and true and valid, and that while we had hurt each other when we fought the other day, we could come back from it with such a stronger relationship than ever before.
No relationships were perfect, I knew that, and I had a feeling Harper did, too.
I hoped that she was just as taken aback with how abrupt our argument and breakup had been that she was willing to talk it over with me, and that we were going to be okay. She didn’t know at this point that I wanted to talk to her about getting back together – and getting together for good – so I had to keep careful watch on what I was saying.
“How was your day?” she asked after telling me about her own.
“Busy. I wasn’t in all last week, so I had a lot of paperwork I had to catch up on today. I was able to get a lot of it done, though, so I don’t think it’s going to take me very long to catch up with the rest,” I said.
She nodded. “That’s good, and are you feeling any better about the situation with your patient?”
I was glad she specified that she was asking about Mrs. Elliot and not about what happened with us. I wasn’t ready to talk about that while we were in the car, though now would be a good time to tell her about the letter I had gotten from Mrs. Elliot and the things that she had said.
Some of the things anyway. I left out the part where she had told me that me and Harper were meant to be together. Though I found that to be a really sweet thing to come from an older woman, I didn’t want Harper to feel like I was using that to get on her good side for her to give me another chance. No, if we were going to be together again, I wanted that to come from the heart on both sides. I wanted her to want it as much as I did, and I wanted to be up front and open about what we were doing and where we were going.
I had taken the approach of sitting back and letting it unfold before, but now I wanted to be more hands on with it. I wanted to know what Harper wanted and what she saw in us. We had been going out together regularly for the past two months, and I felt that was enough time for her to have an idea of whether she wanted to go through with this or not.
We headed into the restaurant, and the waiter seated us. I still kept up the small talk with her until we were finally served our food. It didn’t take too long since we had come to a midrange kind of eatery, but by the time the plates were down in front of us, I could tell with the way she was looking at me that she was just as ready to get this conversation out of the way as I was.
“I guess I’ll get this started,” I told her.
“Okay,” she said as she took a sip of her wine.
“I’m sorry that I took out my patient’s death on you. I was pissed off with the situation and angry with myself, but for some reason I took it all out on you when you were doing nothing but trying to help me. I’m sorry I also told you that it was a mistake to have you over, and that you should go. I didn’t mean that shitty stuff I said, and I only said it because I was so ripped up with what had happened that morning. I know that’s not an excuse, but I want you to know what was going on in my mind while that argument was happening,” I said.
I took my time as I spoke, trying to pick and choose my words so she didn’t feel like I was making excuses or trying to blame anything that wasn’t really to blame. I wanted to take responsibility for what had happened and was doing my best to make that happen.
For her own part, Harper sat and listened to everything I had to say, then she took a deep breath and finished her wine. She hadn’t touched much of her food yet, but her wine was nearly gone. I didn’t blame her. She clearly was grappling with her emotions with what I had to say, and with so many things going through her head, of course she was going to want to try to calm her mind some.
Then, it was her turn.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m also sorry for the way I behaved. I wasn’t nearly as compassionate toward you as I could have been, and I think that comes from the fact that I’m not a doctor. I don’t think it was right for you to tell me I had no idea what I was talking about, but I do concede that I don’t know what it’s like to have someone die right in front of me. I was heartless because I assumed that being a doctor, you would be prepared to deal with something like that and wouldn’t be upset when it happened,” she said. “I’m realizing now that I ought to have been kinder toward you and more compassionate with the fact that you lost someone right there in front of you, even though you were trying to save them. I do think you are the best doctor in the world, so I’m sorry that I was so cold toward you when you were telling me your pain.”
“Please, don’t think anything more about it,” I told her. “We were both under a lot of stress, and part of that was my fault, too. If I had told you about that job promotion from the beginning instead of just leaving it on the counter where you found it on your own, then we might have been able to talk about it a little more before it turned into something big.”
“But then, I shouldn’t have felt like I was okay to just go through anything I found in your house. If that paper was on your counter, I didn’t have the right to go through it. That was really my fault to do that, and I’m sorry I snooped,” Harper said.
“Even still, I told you that there was a chance I could get promoted, but I guess I should have put it more into perspective for you so you weren’t so blindsided when I was asked to go all the way down to Texas to start another career. You had no idea that I was talking about something that could happen the very same day that I told you,” I said.
“But I also should be more open to the idea that you might have things like that come your way. I can’t tell you that I think you are the best doctor in the world, then be shocked when you are getting offers to go work for other facilities. It would only make sense that you would go to another facility the more you grow in your career,” Harper said.
“I guess I’m just trying to tell you in a nutshell that I am very sorry for the way things came to a head last week, and I hope you will forgive me for the stupid and insensitive things I said,” I told her. “I really am sorry, and it has been hanging over me all week. You didn’t deserve any of that, and I would love for us to both wipe the slate clean and start fresh – that is, if you think we can.”
Harper sat across from me picking at her food with her fork. She had eaten more, and I was glad to see that considering the fact she had drunk that wine without touching her food. I didn’t want her to get sick, and I worried she would do that to herself if she drank too much on an empty stomach.
She was clearly thinking about something as I spoke, but when I told her I wanted to give us another chance, her eyes shot up to meet mine. Hope was the first thing I saw in them, but there was a level of nervousness, too.
“I mean, I want to,” she said as she continued to pick with the food on the plate. “But I don’t want to get hurt again, Trevor. I don’t want to sound all dramatic or anything, but I was really hurt with the way this all went down, and I don’t know if I can go through something like that again.”
“I don’t want to, either,” I told her. “And that’s why I want to talk about how we are going all in on this.”
“All in?” she asked.
“That’s right,” I said with a nod. “I’m not taking that job offer.”
“What?” She looked even more surprised.