“Just another reason to go under the knife,” she said.
“Now, Mom, I was just telling you how positive you have been throughout this whole thing, and here you go complaining,” I teased.
“I shouldn’t be so upset about it, but still. I don’t know how to even dress myself these days,” she said.
“You look amazing to me,” I told her. And I meant it. I understood why she was upset with having the double mastectomy, and I wished she could see why there was no reason for her to be upset. The fact of the matter was that she looked just as stunning to me either way, and I felt with the way she dressed, it wouldn’t be difficult to change a few things here and there to make it unnoticeable.
“Thank you, sweetie,” she said. “You really have made this process a lot more bearable.”
We went back to our other conversation, and I was okay with it.
I was glad to hear when I was able to help my mom through this, but I was also glad to hear when we were able to go back to other things. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk about the cancer or the journey she was dealing with, but I didn’t want to talk about the fact that my own mother had cancer.
It was scary, and I didn’t want to even think about what it would be like to lose her. My mom was my best friend, and she had been ever since my father died when I was sixteen. I hated that cancer was now threatening to take her from me.
Even if she was in remission, I worried about how long it would be before we had to deal with the news that the cancer had come back. It wasn’t the healthiest way to look at her life, I knew that, but it was hard not to. Every time she went into remission there was hope she wasn’t going to deal with cancer again, and I found it impossible not to let that worry linger in the back of my mind.
But, I had to be the strong one and refuse to dwell on those things. It was too easy for my worry to rub off on my mother when we spent too much time concerned with how we were going to deal with the cancer if it ever came back. It was her and me these days. For the most part anyway.
My father had passed years ago, and though my mother dated off and on, she didn’t have anyone special in her life right now. I didn’t, either, but I was more worried about her having someone to take care of her as she aged than I was with having a partner in life myself.
I felt I was doing okay, even if I did want to have a man in my life.
I wouldn’t ever make it a priority.
Not when I was the one who was taking care of my mom. Not when I had the success of my career hanging onto my shoulders alone.
No, there was too much else going on in my life than a man.
And that was because of taking care of my mom.
“I just make the most of the time we have together,” I told her. “I don’t want to think about the time we won’t have because I’m too grateful for the time we do.”
“That’s my girl,” my mom said with a smile. “I’ve often thought about how I could be mad with my situation, but I’m not. I’m really happy I got to be your mother and got to raise you into the adult you are today. I hope to God I’ll get to see you have a family of your own someday, but if I don’t, I’m pleased with my life.”
“I’m jealous of the way you look at life, Mom,” I told her.
“It’s a choice,” my mom told her. “You can either plan on being miserable or plan on being happy. Either way, odds are you’ll be right.”
I smiled as the two of us went back to our clothes shopping.
My mom was right, and I was glad to be here with her today. I hoped to God the day would come when she would be cancer free once and for all. But, the fact of the matter was that her diagnoses had rocked my world. It had been the one thing that had changed my life entirely a couple of years prior, and I didn’t think it would ever go back to how it used to be.
But, that didn’t matter.
All that mattered was that we still had the time we did have together, and I wanted to make the most of it. I wanted to spend all the time I could with my mom, even if it was hard with how much I worked. Still, my mom often reminded me not to dwell on the things I wasn’t able to control, but instead to focus on the things that made me smile in life.
And spending time with her made me smile.
It wasn’t easy knowing that our time was short, and even if she was in remission from time to time, there was always the chance that could end.
But, it was a choice we had to make. Either I could waste this day crying over the fact we weren’t always going to have them, or I could keep fighting through those negative feelings and focus on the fact that I still had my mom with me right now, and to make the most of that.
I really did see the time we had together as a gift, and I felt that my mom did, too.
Sure, it wasn’t always easy, but she was my mom, and I would do anything for her.
Even just go shopping for the day because we hadn’t seen each other in a while.