“Then the first time he got close enough for us to be introduced… it was like I couldn’t breathe. My chest was tight, and my mouth was dry. Being around him was like swallowing a burning candle, this heat that started in my stomach and spread. I’d watch his hands, his mouth, his eyes. I could feel his presence when he entered the room. That was the initial attraction, and it didn’t go away.”
Maggie watched a flush diffuse along Audrey’s cheeks as she twisted the end of her ponytail around her finger. Had Maggie ever experienced any of that with Dean? No. But she had with someone else.
Audrey’s words resonated with Maggie. She’d had at least some of those feelings, just not on the same scale Audrey had for Cal. Maggie had felt those feelings for Cal’s brother.
Maggie wasn’t a virgin, but her former trysts hadn’t been based on pure lust or even a committed relationship. They’d been good, old-fashioned, experimentation meant to help her explore some of the more fun parts of the books she read. Everything seemed so hot and desperate on paper. That never quite translated to in person.
Her few prior encounters had been fine. The men had been equally curious and appropriately respectful, but she wasn’t missing out on too much when she went back to reading about sex instead of having it. There had been no urgency, no feeling that she’d crumble into nothing if their hands didn’t skate up her ribs or notch their hips to hers.
Maggie had always assumed that was because she was waiting for Dean, until she’d started to feel some of those tingly things just from standing too close to Mac. Sitting across from Audrey, Maggie decided that if she had experienced half of what Audrey said, she probably would have been champing at the bit for more orgasms with other consenting adults.
“It wasn’t just heat, and aches, and magnetic looks,” Audrey said. “I started noticing that he was always on my mind. Sex, too, but also about whether he’d like the lunch I’d brought to work, or which pair of shoes he’d like better. Or I’d see something, and it would remind me of Cal, so I’d have to get it for him. We had so many things in common, stuff we liked to do, the way we saw the world, things we thought were important. He let me be myself and still pushed me to be better.”
“Was it like becoming a different person?”
“Yes, and no,” Audrey said. “I was still me, but I had a new frame of reference for me.”
“You changed for a man.”
“I wouldn’t say I changed for him.” Audrey looked up at the paneled ceiling of the café. “But he changed how I saw myself. Cal believes I’m beautiful. Cal knows I’m smart. Cal says I’m worthy. I love Cal, trust Cal, so I believe him. I recognized that I was in love with him the first time we had a big fight.
“It was over some stupid misunderstanding, but I remember standing in his apartment and calling him a jackass before storming out to my car. And in the driver’s seat, I pulled out my phone and wanted to call Cal to complain about Cal. I trusted him to build me back up and have my back, even when he was the one I was furious with.”
“He picked up takeout, and you were going to cook him dinner.”
“What?” A laugh pushed through Audrey’s words.
“That was your first big fight,” Maggie said. “You called me from the car, and I had to suffer through your chicken Marsala.”
“Oh yea,” Audrey grinned, “Asshole.”
“You hate cooking. He was sure he was helping.” Maggie grinned back. “And he was trying to spare you both a truly horrific meal experience.”
“See?” Audrey said. “Even then, he was thinking of me. He was misguided and horribly, stupidly, male, but he really was trying.”
“I thought I was in love with your brother.” Maggie said, “But I wasn’t. Not really.”
Audrey bit her lip. “Dean loves you.”
“He does,” Maggie said. “I love him too. We had all those moments where he built me up, where I looked for him, where he was the one I wanted to talk to. But I’ve never experienced the heat, or the tingles.” She ignored the wince that Audrey tried to hide. “He’s never had the ability to hurt me the way Cal hurt you by accidentally messing up your plans to poison him with home-cooked food, because I was never as invested as you were with Cal.”
“Rude,” Audrey said, but she was smiling.
“I don’t think I really know your brother,” Maggie said. “I know ten-year-old Dean, and I know the Dean I made him into in my mind. But we’re actually really different.”
“My brother is a good guy,” Audrey said, her hands clenching and unclenching on the tabletop.
“Just not my guy,” Maggie said, and Audrey shook her head.
“I’m sorry,” Audrey’s voice was quiet and her eyes solemn.
“You did nothing wrong.”
“I could have just supported you.”
Maggie frowned at her best friend. “You did, Audrey. You didn’t stop me from giving it a shot. You didn’t tell me it was a stupid idea or that it wouldn’t work. You let me figure it out on my own with no judgment. I’ll forever be grateful for that.”
“You’ll always be my sister, just not through Dean.” Audrey said.