We’d spent hours in bed together, teasing and tasting every inch of each other, reminding me of one of the many reasons I loved him.
However, it meant when we’d finished, after we’d both showered and redressed, we found ourselves back in the living space with the rest of our group. I stood before the rest of them, having taken some of that time resting with Brax afterward to explore how I really felt.
I hadn’t been able to sleep, instead staring at the ceiling as the past year replayed in my head over and over again. I saw the shades in Larkwood, the ones frightened and abused and alone. I thought about Wade getting sent there so young, about how many had died leaving behind nothing but names in files. I remembered Bowen trying so hard to keep his group alive and the squalor they lived in. It all swirled together in my head, the reality of the world and the people who I was leaving behind.
And for what? For what future? No matter how many times since my life had gotten fucked over I tried, I hadn’t been able to picture an actual future for myself. Even when I wanted nothing more than to escape, I had no clear idea of what that would actually look like.
And I finally understood why. I finally figured out why no future came to me, why, no matter how much I wanted to be with the men I loved, I couldn’t answer what I wanted after this was over.
Andno onewould like that answer.
I knew what I had to do, but I couldn’t do it alone, and I owed these men so much…
They had to make their own choices.
“I can’t leave,”I signed, met with a chorus of grumbles that said none of them loved the idea.
Not that it shocked me. These men were nothing if not protective.
Still, I pressed on, needing them to understand what I finally had figured out.“You’ve all trusted me and done more than I have any right to ask of you. We made it out of Larkwood together. I’m only alive because of you all.”I paused for a moment, then got to the hardest part.“When we left, all I could see was myself, was what I’d lost. I didn’t really think about shades—I don’t think I even really thought of myself as one. Since then, I’ve seen what life is like for shades. I’ve finally seen that life outside of Larkwood isn’t much better than life inside it. I can’t go and live some happy life and pretend I don’t know how many are still here suffering. I don’t think I can spend the next forty years of my life closing my eyes at night and knowing I did nothing, that I didn’t even try to do something.”
“You can’t think you can fix that for the whole world,” Knox said, his voice unfailingly kind. He used the same tone a person used when breaking bad news to a child.
“Maybe not, but I can’t just do nothing, either. I’ve seen how big of an influence Larkwood and the Warden have. They have power over politicians and legislation that hurts all shades. They tell the story they want and the public believes it, because they don’t know any better. If we could just take out Larkwood, it would change so much. If we could make people see the truth, we could make a difference.”
Deacon crossed his arms and shook his head. “You managed to about burn down half of Larkwood and it only took a week for it to look like it had never happened. That proves attacking Larkwood doesn’t work.”
“Larkwood has the power it does because of the story it tells. We’ve got to stop letting it control the narrative. We’ve got to take that back and tell the truth. People go along with Larkwood. They pay whatever the Warden wants because she tells them we’re dangerous and they need her to keep them safe. What if we got the truth out?”
“And how do you expect that to work?” Brax asked. “Plenty of bleeding hearts have tried to expose the truth and change how the public views shades. This isn’t a new idea, so why do you think you can do it any better?”
I peered at the door just as it opened and two people walked in.
Moa and Aaron waved awkwardly.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Brax muttered.
“I’ve worked at helping shades for years,” Moa said. “I’ve seen what they went through and realized I couldn’t just do nothing. I’ve helped a lot, but no matter how hard I work, the problem remains. I want to do something that actually helps. Something that stops this at the source.”
Aaron tucked his hands into his jacket pockets, rocking his weight forward, to his heels, then back again. “You’ve got no reason to trust me, but after Hera got taken away, I had time to think. I don’t want to be the person my parents want me to be anymore. The world turns out to be bigger than I thought, so I pursued journalism instead of business, and this story? It’s one that matters.”
Aaron’s words surprised me. They lacked any arrogance, any of that bullshit savior-complex thing that was so common in men from his history. He didn’t want to save people—he wanted to help in whatever way he could.
I nodded at them both, my own thank you for two people who were willing to risk themselves in a fight that wasn’t their own.
“I’m going back to Larkwood to finish this, but I don’t expect any of you to come with me. If you don’t want to, if you’re done, I won’t blame you. You’ve all suffered, and you deserve the freedom we fought so hard for. I’m going to go with Aaron and Moa for right now, because it isn’t fair to ask you right now. I can’t put you on the spot. What I’m going to do is more likely to get us killed than it is to work, but I still have to try. So, I want you to have time to think, to really consider what future you want. Larkwood stole so much from us all and I can’t do the same thing. Only you can decide what you want.”
It felt nearly impossible to finish the statement. They needed this, and it was the right thing, but it didn’t make it any easier. I wanted them by my side. I didn’t know if I could do this on my own. I needed their support and their presence in my life.
But I’d do right by them no matter what.
“If you want to help, meet me here in two nights.”I set a card with the address where I’d be on the table.
I didn’t look at the men again, unable to stomach seeing them and still walking away. Somehow, that was scarier than facing Larkwood. Instead, I went outside with Aaron and Moa and tried to hide just how much it hurt.
Chapter Thirteen
Hera