So I give her a stiff nod instead.
Closing the book she was reading, she settles into the cushions and focuses her attention on me. Without saying a word, she encourages me to unload everything.
"It's this guy I was seeing," I blurt out. "Well, not seeing, necessarily. But, we were sleeping together. Regularly. And we became friends.”
With no judgment at all, my mother nods for me to continue.
"It was going so well," I rush out, suddenly desperate to defend my reasons for doing what I did. "It was casual, and fun, and nobody had any expectations, so we could just enjoy each other and not think it was anything more than it was. It was exactly what we said it would be when we first started hanging out."
"But you started to care for him?" she asks softly.
And despite the fact that I’m past the point of lying to myself about that answer, I’m still not ready to vocalize it. I can only give my mother a wounded look that hopefully shows her exactly what I’m feeling.
She gives me a sad smile, immediately reading the emotions on my face. Understanding that Ididstart to care for Aiden, but also seeing that I wouldn’t be sitting in front of her with heartache in my eyes if things had gone well.
"Okay, so he pushed for more. What did he want? Was he too needy?"
I frown at that, immediately thrown off by the question. "No, he's not needy. He's been super supportive of my crazy schedule. Most guys would get clingy if I didn't jump at every chance to see them, but Aiden is never like that."
"So then what's the problem?" she asks. "Are you not into him? If he's the same guy I caught whiff of a few months ago, then you two have been seeing each other for quite a while. Usually you get bored after a couple of weeks. I assumed that was a good sign."
"No, it's not that. Idolike him," I admit gruffly. "It's just that we agreed we wouldn't turn it into anything more. He's ruining a good thing for no reason."
At that, her eyes widen. "No reason? Really?"
"Well… yeah. I've been telling him since day one I'm not looking for a relationship, so he knew exactly what was going to happen when he brought it up. I can't keep seeing him knowing he's… that he's…"
The surprise on her face softens into tenderness."Oh, honey. You can't even say the word? Why are you so against the idea of falling in love?"
"I-I’m not," I say defensively. "I just… don't want that."
She studies me for a moment. Then, with only curiosity in her voice, she asks, "Why not?"
And I gawk at her. Not because I'm shocked she doesn't understand, but because I'm realizing that I never admitted to my own mother why I feel the way I do about relationships.
My mom's look isn't one of pity, but one of sadness. Like she's just now realizing how scared her daughter has been of love.
“I know Matt broke your heart in high school, but Dani, that was years ago. He was a stupid kid, and you were a love-struck teenage girl. That’s not a reason to sign off of love forever.” She pauses, seeming to contemplate something for a moment. “Did your father and I do something to make you think relationships can't work?"
I hesitate. Of course I hesitate. I've never talked to my parents about how I feel about this, and the last thing I want is my mother to think I love her any less. Or my father.
Idolove them, I just don't understand their relationship.
"It's not that I'm worried. It's just… I have…theoriesabout love, and yes, they started because of Matt, but it makes me not want anything even resembling a relationship. Is that so wrong? I'm young, I should be allowed to want—"
"Dani, stop dancing around whatever you're trying not to say and just spit it out."
I meet my mother's eyes and swallow roughly.
"Well… typically when someone doesn't want a relationship, it's because they're scared of getting hurt," I start tentatively. When she nods to urge me on, I take another deep breath. "Which I get, but it's still kind of an odd deterrent. You can't live life without bumps and bruises. But whatIdon't get—" I cast another nervous glance her way— "is when itdoeswork out and itstillcomes with sacrifices. How is that supposed to make me want to find a partner?"
At this point, my mom just looks confused. "Sacrifices? What do you think your father and I sacrificed because of our marriage?"
I throw my hands up and lean back into my seat with a huff. "Are you serious? Mom, you were thebest neurologistthe Tri-state area has ever seen. And youlovedyour work! What else would you call becoming a stay-at-home mom?"
Now she's the one leaning back in her chair. "You think that was a sacrifice?"
It's my turn to be shocked. "Of course it is! Tell me it didn't kill you to give up your work."