“I’ll have a loaded Corona,” I answer automatically.
Then cringe when the memory comes rushing back.
“You’ll have to tell me what’s in that,” the bartender says with a bored look.
“It’s just a Corona and a shot of tequila,” I answer simply. I see Remy watching me out of the corner of my eye, and I know she’s wondering why I’m drinking straight liquor. But she won’t comment on it, of course. And if she knows that loaded Coronas are Jax’s thing, she doesn’t mention it.
“Have you seen him?” I ask without looking directly at her.
She winces at my blunt question but nods anyway. “Yeah.”
“How is he?” I try to make my voice as flat as possible but I’m not sure how much I’m succeeding. I’m hanging onto her answer way more than a self-respecting, recently-dumped woman should be.
“Not great,” she mumbles. “He looks about as frozen as you do. Which is saying something about his mental state because that man is more expressive than any other man I’ve ever met. He just seems like he’s going through the motions.”
A flicker of relief wars with a stab of pain at hearing that he’s struggling. I would never, ever wish hurt onto any of my friends, but it’s helping to know I’m not the only one affected by this.
“What happened, Hailey?” she asks quietly. “Jax won’t talk to me either. I have no idea what happened or how to fix it. You two went from disgustingly perfect to… this. Help me understand.” She swallows roughly and doesn’t look at me as she whispers, “And if it was my fault, let me fix it.”
I exhale a heavy, tired breath. I don’t want to blame her anymore. I don't want this distance between us anymore. I miss my sister.
Before I can launch into the sordid tale, the bartender slides our drinks over to us. Remy takes her IPA but before I can think better of it, I throw back the shot of tequila on its own. I still wince and chase it with the Corona, but it’s way better than the heartbreakless-Hailey would’ve done.
“Can I get another shot?” I croak at the bartender. He just nods and pours me another. But instead of downing this one too, I pour it into the beer and swirl the concoction around. It’s only after I’ve taken a big swig that I start talking.
“He said he wanted to give me space,” I start. “He said he thinks we jumped into this too fast and that he doesn’t want to just be a rebound for me.”
Remy looks down at the beer in her hand but not quick enough to hide the flash of guilt on her face. I obviously know those were her words to Jax, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise to hear him use them as an excuse, or to see her feel guilty about them.
I just feel tired.
“He said I’m leaning on him too heavily. That I’m too self-conscious because of Steve and too unsure of myself to exist without a relationship.” I continue on despite seeing Remy’s wince out of the corner of my eye.
Great, even my sister thinks I’m pathetic.
“And the icing on the cake was my supposed inability to communicate effectively in a relationship. Again, the fault lying with Steve. He said I’m too used to either ignoring it or getting irrationally upset about it when we do try to work it out.” I laugh, the sound jarring and pitiful. “So basically, I’m dependent on a relationship, but at the same time, I’m not actually able to function within it. All I hear is a lose/lose scenario. Either way, I end up looking like the weak, pathetic idiot.”
“Don’t,” Remy barks suddenly. I turn to her in surprise. Her eyes are locked on mine and she’s glaring daggers at me, clearly pissed off.
“Don’t you dare play the woe-is-me game right now,” she says sharply. “I know you’re sad, but you don’t get to sink into that bullshit hole that we just dragged you out of. You’re better than that.”
I can only blink in shock. My sister is never harsh with me, and right now she looks downright angry.
She must feel that she’s coming on too strong because she sighs and releases the tension from her shoulders. “Hailey, we know what Steve did to you. We all saw it. That man picked at your self-esteem until it was in tatters just because he wanted the challenge of trying to bring down a strong woman.” Her gaze hardens again. “Don’t let him win. Right now, tomorrow, ten years from now, don’t let anything turn you back into what Steve manipulated you into believing. You’re strong, and kind, and capable, and intelligent, and nothing that anyone will ever say, including Jax, including me, should ever make you think otherwise.”
I swallow roughly, suddenly overwhelmed by my sister’s words. She’s right, of course. Jax’s words have let me fall back into my old habit of believing anything that the man in my life tells me, including going a step further by myself in order to beat him to the punch. It’s easier to hear it from my head rather than his lips.
I sigh in defeat and turn back to my beer. "I'll cut the self-deprecating part, but it doesn't change the fact that that's basically the message I got from Jax. He gave me 'space' because he thinks I'm too dependent on him. He doesn't think I can heal from Steve's bullshit if he's close enough to use as a crutch."
I twirl my beer on the bar top as I allow myself to consider Jax's words for the first time since he said them.Was I leaning too heavily on him? Have I been dragging too much of my baggage into my relationship with Jax?
Remy echoes my thoughts as she quietly asks, "Can you think of why he'd say you're too dependent on him? Did anything happen?"
I sigh again, heavier this time.I'm so tired of being in pain."I mean, the whole thing started because I wouldn't tell him that I didn't want to go to the gym. He was trying really hard to get me to admit that I didn't want to go."
"So why didn't you say no?"
"Because clearly, Jax wanted me to go or he wouldn't have offered. So why would I say no to him? I like making him happy."