Did I fall in love with Remy?
I have no idea what love feels like. My girlfriend in college was nice, and we got along great, but I knew I wasn't in love with her. I was too glad for time without her when we were busy, and not sad enough when she finally ended it. I wasn't sure I was even capable of feeling love. How could I when fighting was always #1 in my book? How could I say I love someone when I would pick my career over them any day of the week?
Except… except that's not true.
I know I need to be selfish if I want to be the best in the world but right now, in this moment, I feel like I would walk out of a packed arena with a title fight on the line if it would get me Remy. I would pick her every second of every day and every week.
Because I'm completely, desperately in love with her.
“FUCK!” I scream in frustration. I let loose a barrage of punches on the heavy bag.
With every punch, I realize that’s exactly what happened. Somehow during her time at the house, I fell in love with her. I may have even felt that way before she moved in, if I’m being completely honest with myself. Even when she hated me, I always loved how feisty she was, how she would go toe to toe with me and never just roll over at my feet. Being in close proximity must’ve shed the veil between us and forced me to see what I never wanted to admit to myself: that Remy is my perfect match. The sex just opened the door to our chemistry.
“Fuck,” I grit through my teeth, throwing each punch harder than the last. It's an outlet for an emotion that I don't want to feel. I don't want to love Remy. Not just because she clearly doesn’t want me back, but because love is a distraction I can’t afford in my life. Even if she wanted me, too, a relationship would affect my focus and fuck with my strict game plan for becoming a world champ. If I’m this messed up over one fallout with her, the potential for these kinds of emotions to ruin me is astronomical.
I can’t pursue this thing with Remy. And more importantly, I need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head. They’re already hurting my training.
Even the hardest bag workout I've ever done can't stop the anger from coursing through my veins. It's like once I gave my body permission to feel it, I accidentally let it take over. I'm shaking—both from exhaustion and fury—when I finally unlace my gloves and throw them into my bag.
On a whim, I grab my phone instead. I dial before I can second guess myself.
Aiden answers on the first ring. "Tristan, what's up? Are you at open mat? I'm heading over there now."
"Let's skip it," I tell him hastily. "I need a drink. I'll have Danny cover the gym for two hours. You in?"
There's a pause on the other end of the line. I take a breath and let him have it, since I already know how crazy I sound right now. I've never been one to skip the gym—especiallyfor a bar—and definitely not in the past few weeks. I've been gym-crazed and haven't been out with the guys at all.
"Yeah, let's do it," he finally answers. "I'll grab Max, too. Let's try out that new bar on 21stStreet. Wanna meet us there in thirty minutes?"
"Yeah, sounds good. I'll see you there."
* * *
Twenty minutes later, I'm nursing my second whiskey at the bar and internally cursing Aiden for his location choice. It's 5:00 on a Friday and this place is not far from the Business District, which means it's packed with corporate assholes that are finishing a week of desk work and looking to lose themselves in a different life for the next three days.
The alcohol muffles the hurt in my chest better than the workout did. I should've started drinking sooner. I realize now that this is probably the reason that drinking is a normal coping mechanism after a breakup.
I shake my head to try to clear those thoughts from my head.It can't be a breakup if we were never together.
With a growl I slam back the rest of my whiskey.
Maybe Remy was right to shut us down. Maybe it's better if we were only having sex. I can't afford a distraction when I'm so close to the UFC, and she would've been a very big one. It didn’t take long at all for me to completely lose my head and my focus around her. If it’s this bad after less than two weeks, who knows how deep I would've gone with any more time with her.
I'm glowering at the bar staff, waiting for another refill, when Aiden and Max find me. Aiden looks between me and the bartender with a questioning gaze. "What on earth did the nice man do to piss you off? He has liquor, we need to like him."
I turn my glare toward my teammate, but he only offers a grin before taking a spot next to me on a barstool. Max sits on the far side.
"So… what's up?" Max asks curiously. "We haven't seen you in weeks. Miss us?"
I shoot another glower at the bartender who still hasn't acknowledged my silent signal. "I just punched you in the face yesterday. How could I miss you?"
Aiden grins again. "Miss bonding with us over alcohol, then?"
I sigh in defeat. "Something like that," I murmur. "What's going on with you guys? Outside of the gym, I mean."
"It's funny you ask," Aiden chirps happily. I mentally groan my regret for starting this conversation, even as I'm subconsciously thankful for the distraction from my thoughts. "I think I've finally found a good work/school/gym balance. Gym is good, though you know that. Work is boring but easy. And school is great. I have one semester left and I'm stupidly excited for the criminal justice class I have to take for my thesis. Who knew I was actually smart with this liberal arts shit."
"None of us," I hear Max mutter. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips for the first time in weeks.