We leave the house soon after one o’clock, with Mum fussing and worrying until the very last moment.
Dad takes her hand and leads her towards the car. ‘Stop it, love. If you carry on like this, you won’t enjoy the wedding. And you know how much you’ve been looking forward to it and how hard you’ve worked.’
‘Vow renewal!’ snaps Mum, but she gets into the car.
I’ve been so busy making sure I look presentable that I haven’t noticed what Mum is wearing. ‘You aren’t walking up the aisle in your gardening trousers?’ I ask.
She pulls down the visor to inspect her face in the mirror. ‘Don’t be so daft. Elaine and I are getting changed in the vestry. I’ll have to walk across the car park to the church, and it’s very muddy.’
‘I could have dropped you at the side door,’ says Dad.
She gives an impatient sigh. ‘Please don’t interfere. Elaine and I have it all planned out. For all we knew, it might have been pouring with rain today, and we’d have been bound to get splashed. You just worry about yourself.’
‘Do you need any help getting dressed?’ I ask.
‘I’ll be fine, thank you, darling. Mandy and Jean will be there to help us with the fiddly bits.’
I wonder yet again what Elaine and Mum are planning to wear. Mum has been unusually reticent and evaded all my questions, telling me that it’s unlucky to talk about outfits. It didn’t stop her inspecting my dress very critically and making sure my boots were clean and polished. Fiddly bits could mean anything from a mini dress to full biking gear. I wouldn’t put anything past Mum. Having spent a morning with Elaine at the shops, I wouldn’t put anything past her either.
We pull up outside the church, and Mum disappears down the side path towards the vestry.
‘I expect you’ll be glad when this is all over,’ I say as we watch her go.
‘It’s been quite fun,’ says Dad. ‘Robert and I thought it was a ridiculous idea when Elaine and Mum suggested it. But it’s quite sweet really. And he and I have got to know each other much better over the last few months. He’s a very decent fellow.’
‘I’m sure he is,’ I say. ‘Elaine seems nice too.’
He looks at me in the mirror. ‘I don’t know Caitlin very well, but Alex seems like a good man.’
I pick up my bag and open the car door. ‘So everyone keeps telling me, although I can’t imagine why. I’ll see you after the ceremony.’
I’m greeted at the back of the church by someone I barely recognise, although he seems to know me.
‘Annie? I don’t suppose you remember me. We were in primary school together. David Paxton.’
‘I thought you looked familiar,’ I say. ‘How are you?’
‘Great, thanks.’ He waves towards the altar. ‘This will be me in a few weeks’ time.’
‘You’re being ordained?’ I ask, confused.
‘Not quite. I’m getting married. Lisa Parry. She was in our class too.’
‘I remember Lisa. Congratulations! Maybe you’ll be renewing your vows in twenty-five years’ time.’
He pulls a face. ‘I doubt it. I never knew that planning a wedding was such an undertaking. I’ve told Lisa that I only plan to do it once. She quite agrees. If we’d known how much trouble and expense it was, we’d have eloped months ago.’
‘Why didn’t you?’ I say.
He stops smiling. ‘The families, really. They’d have been terribly upset. Lisa and I realised that family is more important than anything. Still, we’ll both be glad when it’s all over.’
I walk towards the pew he indicates, which is nearer to the front than I’d like. I’d have preferred to hide at the back. But perhaps there won’t be many people here, and they want to keep us all together.
I sit for a few minutes, turning over the order of service in my hands without reading it. David is right. Family is important – if you have a good one, which I have. I haven’t seen mine as much as I’d have liked over the past couple of years. I’ve told myself that’s all Alex’s fault. But I have to let that go now. If I’m really over him, I can no longer use him as an excuse. My life is my own, and it’s up to me to choose how I live it.
Listening to the gentle hum of the organ music and the chatter around me as the pews fill up, I feel strangely peaceful for the first time in a long while. I thought that taking a job in London would give me time to think about the future. But it hasn’t worked out that way. Maybe the noise and bustle have stopped me from thinking clearly. Coming back to my childhood home, where there’s very little noise and nothing ever happens, was exactly what I needed to sort out my head.
Even when I see Alex walk up the aisle and take his place next to Robert on the steps, I feel no more than a slight pang. I’ve spent so long trying to put him into my past, where he belongs. It’s taken me coming home and facing him again to finally achieve it.