My fingers twitched from wanting to touch her. To take her face in my hands and kiss her until our lips went numb. I planned to do everything in my power to make sure that was the outcome.
But I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know.
You might have fucked it all up.
“Where are you heading?”
“I don’t know, Damian. I just told off my entire family, and I’ll probably never speak to Tara again. I’m kinda just seeing where the wind takes me.”
Let it take you to me.I stepped closer to her, and she stepped away. I pointed at the swings. “Can we swing?”
She followed hesitantly. The two on the far end hadn’t been vandalized, so I sat on the farthest one, the chains groaning under my weight.
“Did you tell Tara where to shove it?”
“I told her to shut up and butt out. And probably severed my relationship with everyone in the house.” Jessa frowned down at the ground. “It needed to be done. But it doesn’t feel good.”
“You can’t change them, Jessa. It doesn’t matter how hard you try. Tara’s committed to misunderstanding you. Your mom is committed to…well, you know. And Jeremy is committed to keeping all of you miserable but together.”
“It’s an impossible job,” she lamented, looking out at the neighborhood in the distance. “I could only take so much from Tara and Mom. I had to draw the line. But drawing the line makes me the bad guy again. That was the catch. There is no way for me to win in that family.” She squinted over at me. “I can only be hated or gone. And now I’m both.”
I drew in a deep breath. I could feel the heaviness in her heart. I craved the chance to hug her until the pain went away, even just an ounce. But it was too soon for that. Instead, I decided to distract her.
“Come on. I bet I can swing higher.”
“I’m wearing a dress, Damian,” she said with a little smirk.
“Maybe that’s part of my plan,” I said with a sideways grin. She sent me an amused look and started swinging gently. I did the same, resting my forehead against the chain as I watched her. Her gaze drifted between me and the ground. The air between us was both comfortable and bloated. Nothing needed to be said, yet we had so much to say.
“I came to apologize,” I finally said, my words shattering the silence that had only been filled by dead leaves skittering across the gravel parking lot. “I’m sorry, Jessa. I’msofucking sorry. I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life.”
She peeked up at me from under her eyelashes but didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry for firing you. I’m sorry for not believing you. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for being the biggest fucking idiot in the world.”
She started nibbling on her lip. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
“I’m not trying to convince you to come back to work. That’s not what this is about. Firing you was a mistake, but I know you didn’t really belong there.”
Hurt slashed across her face. “Was I that bad?”
“No. Not at all.” I stopped swinging and stood, unable to prevent myself from being closer to her. I went to her swing and grabbed the chains, stilling her so our gazes could meet. “You were great. But you have your own career to pursue, and it isn’t at Fairchild Enterprises. That’s all I meant.”
Her bottom lip trembled slightly, and then she looked away suddenly, dabbing at the corner of her eye. “I take it Cora told you what we talked about yesterday?”
“I haven’t talked to Cora.”
Her brows drew together, searching my face. “Are you serious? I told her to tell you, and—”
“Tell me what?”
Jessa’s throat bobbed, and she brushed away a lock of hair that had blown across her face. “Kendra did some digging at work. She found Francis’s name in a visitor log within the past four weeks. I know it’s not hard evidence, but I thought it would give you a place to start. I don’t want you to have a mole in your midst, no matter how shitty things ended.”
My throat tightened, and I grabbed her chin between my thumb and forefinger, directing her gaze toward me. “I didn’t need Cora to tell me that. I knew in my bones you didn’t do it. I only went through with firing you because I thought I needed to. To protect the way I thought life was supposed to be. But ending things between caused the worst outcome I could have imagined. I don’t want them to end. I want them to begin. Properly, this time. Like you deserve.”
Her eyes shimmered with tears, and her nostrils flared as she looked up at me. I had more to say, and she seemed to know it, waiting for me to go on.
“I was terrified to admit to myself that I love you. My whole life, I’ve been convinced that I don’t deserve love because of what happened with my sisters. I’ve taken the blame for their disappearance and death, and I told myself that any good that comes my way will be followed by bad. Because I don’t deserve the good.” I paused, looking out at the bare treetops, laughing a little. “I still believe that, actually.”