She sat awkwardly for a moment, uncertain of how to begin the conversation she knew they had to have now. She had enjoyed…no, loved being Drew’s for the time they’d been together. He’d become her only concern, without her realizing she’d let it happen. She should never have begun this affair and cast her shadow over a good man’s life. Not with someone she’d truly cared about. Someone who had meant more to her by the day. Someone she…
She closed her eyes slowly, but her heart slammed hard behind her ribs. Drew was someone she’d let come too close to her heart, and she had to give him up. Like all the others, he must disappear from her life. But it would be her decision this time, however painful.
“I love you,” Drew whispered, as he picked up her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss. He cleared his throat when she remained silent. “Did you hear me, Aurora? I love you.”
Hearing him say the words that were in her heart brought only pain. Because she could never say them back to him. If she did, he would never let her go.
She made herself shrug, as if what he said was unimportant. Love was just a word. A bad word. An emotion she’d never trusted. “I heard you.”
He sighed. “You don’t seem surprised. I always assumed you must know you stole my heart without me having to say it out loud.”
She wished he’d not said it now. Today. He couldn’t love her, certainly not the way he’d loved his late wife. The perfectly irreplaceable woman the Duke of Northport had approved of.
Aurora stood and picked up her notebook. She had to leave him. Today. But she couldn’t meet his eye. “I’m neither pleased nor displeased.”
“It’s not something I say often,” he said, sitting back in his chair. “I’ve only said it once before. But I am in love.”
Her smile felt strained, painful. “Yes, I know. To Clare.”
“I love you the same,” he promised, rising and casually perching himself on the edge of the desk closer to her.
Aurora glanced up at the ceiling, fighting against the impulse to fall into his arms one last time, tell him she felt the same and stay. But he couldn’t love her the same way as he had his Clare. He’d not pine when Aurora was gone from his life. Not the way he had for his countess. He’d consulted strangers, for heaven’s sake, seeking absolution from his guilt over the woman he’d lost and must replace.
Aurora didn’t ever want him to love her that way, and for his sake, they had to part ways before he became more deeply confused about what they meant to each other. Aurora was not the forever love he was looking for. “That’s not possible.” She looked toward the door. “You should go up and prepare for the Thompson dinner tonight.”
“I sent my regrets last week.”
“Did you? I thought I heard somewhere you would be going,” she murmured, walking away to look out the window. He was trying to keep secrets from her. Keep her in the dark, but it was too late. She knew the risk to him was something he couldn’t avoid. He had to be out in society again. He had to keep his claim to the Northport fortune by marrying well enough to please his father, no matter how much it rankled. She swallowed, disliking the feeling of despair growing in the pit of her stomach.
Drew ought to have mentioned Northport had called by now.
“Now that I’ve said it I must say it again. I love you,” he repeated, joining her at the window, rubbing her arms. “I love Aurora Hillcrest. My lady, my lover.”
She gripped the fabric of her gown at her waist and then she turned to face him again. “You couldn’t love me.”
“I do,” he promised, looking bashful for a moment. “From the very first day of our affair, I knew you were the one.”
She scowled. “I do believe you said that about your first wife, at our very first interview, no less. Do you remember how you kept staring into space, thinking of her instead of talking to us? We had to remind you several times we were waiting for your next words.”
He winced. “She was on my mind a lot then. At the time, I could not conceive of how my life could be good without her.”
She stiffened a little as a feeling of envy and bitterness grew inside her. “Yes, you said as much. Many times over the course of our acquaintance.”
“That is why I’m happy to be proved wrong, and by you no less,” he promised. “You have changed my life.”
For the worst. Not that he would admit it. But surely Drew must know he could never have what he wanted most with her. No marriage. No heir. And there would be endless trouble with his family if she stayed with him. “Have I made it better?”
“Most definitely. I’m a happier man for loving you.”
No, he could not see it, or admit he was wrong about her place in his life. She moved away from him, rubbing the gooseflesh from her arms. “You’ve become embroiled in scandal because of me. A development that brings me no joy at all.”
He laughed. “What makes you think I care what other people think about me?”
“You did before.” She shook her head. “Even now, you pretend that everything is as it was. That nothing has changed.”
“Before what.”
“Before me.” She clenched her hands at her sides. “Are you going to attend the dinner tonight?”