She startles when she sees me there. “What?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Go back inside. I’ll be in after I finish this.” She waves the cigarette to make her point.
“Since when do you smoke?”
“I have since I was fifteen. I just don’t make a spectacle of it. And don’t lecture me about how it causes cancer and tell me I should know better. I’ve heard it all before.”
“I’m not going to lecture you.”
“They’re right, you know.”
“Who is?”
“The people who say I should know better. After what I saw Jaden go through with cancer treatment, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So why am I smoking something that could give me cancer? I have no clue.”
“Did something happen?”
“Other than losing my twenty-year-old husband to cancer?”
Even though I’m freezing, I lean back against a cement planter full of colorful chrysanthemums. “Yeah, other than that.”
“It’s nothing. You should go back in. You’re cold.”
“I’m fine. Talk to me, Wynter. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Everything is wrong! Every fucking thing! I hate being a widow, and I hate being part of this group even though I love you guys. I hate that I need it. I hate that people are falling in love all around me, and it makes me miss feeling that way so much. And I hate that I’m an asshole who can’t be happy for my friends who sure as hell deserve to be happy. Are you glad you asked?”
Before I can overthink whether I should, I hug her.
She stiffens. “What’re you doing?”
Rather than respond, I hug her tighter even as she fights to break free. I hold her until she stops fighting and sags against me with the kind of exhaustion only someone else who’s been where she is can understand. “You’re not alone with any of this, Wynter.”
“And yet, which one of us is going home alone tonight?”
“You’re a young, beautiful person with so much life ahead of you. I know none of that is what you want or need to hear right now, but it’s true. What happened to you and Jaden is awful and wrong and so fucked up as to be beyond fucked up.”
Her soft laugh makes me smile. “I love when you’re away from your kids.”
“Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
She laughs out loud.
I loosen my hold on her and reach over to wipe the tears off her face.
“I’m an asshole for getting upset about you and Gage. It makes no sense. I love you both, and of course I’m happy for you.”
“I know you are, and so does he. And PS, we love you, too.”
“I hate being a miserable bitch.”
“You’re not.”
“No, I really am. I don’t blame Adrian for not wanting me around Xavier.”
“Wait, did he say that?”