“You never could see …” She stops and takes a deep breath, and then a horrific sound escapes her mouth. She covers it with her hand as tears began to spill. Then she stands up and starts to walk toward the bathroom.
I scramble up, grab her by the shoulders, and hold her there. I have never seen her cry, not about me, and all I can do is stand here, looking at her. My wife, the only woman in my life I haven’t cheated on, the one I promised forever to, and not in just words. I lived that promise to her every day.
“Please let go of me.” She begins to shake, and I look into her eyes and shake my head.
“Why could I not be enough for you?” I feel tears well, and I fight like hell to stop them from coming.
“Why wasInever enough foryou?” she counters.
I let go of her and turn around as I feel that pissed-off kid creeping back in. The one who was never enough for anyone. Whose daddy chose every woman over him. The one whose mom chose the bottle, a pipe, a pill, and then a needle. The one who grew up too damn fast because there was no other choice and was too stupid to see that he was loved by a girl and threw it away. And then I picked a woman who I thought wanted the same things in life.
The long-retired, one-winged angel makes an appearance, and he’s grumpy as hell when he says,He’s a stupid fuck.
I am legit losing my shit, so I grab my pillow and head out the door. “You were, Ash.”
“Wait. Lucas, wait.”
I look back at her and see she’s a fucking wreck.
“Can we fix this? Can I … I loved you, and you crushed me. I loved you, and you went and said she should’ve stayed with you.”
I walk back to her. “Ashley? Why now?”
“Because it hurts so much. It hurts to know I was right, and you’re going to end up with her.”
“Her husband just died, Ash, my friend …ourfriend. I will always care about her and her family. You knew this when we got back together.”
“We were never together in the first place, Lucas.”
I scowl at her. That’s bullshit.
“Well, to me, we were. You were always different to me. There you go, Ash, more hurtful shit.”
“My pain is no less than yours, Lucas.”
“Well, again, I’m sorry. For the hundredth time, I’m fucking sorry. Now it’s your turn to say the same, because I have never heard those words from you. Not once.”
“I’m sorry, dammit, but you started this.”
“Fine, so we’re right back full circle. It’s all my fault.” I step back. “I’m tired, and we have a long day tomorrow.”
“His funeral?” She wipes her eyes. “Why does it feel like mine?”
“This isn’t about us. This is about our friend dying, our daughter’s best friend, who went through hell and was beat and, fuck, Ash, lost a baby.”
“Is she okay now?”
“As good as she can be.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and rub a hand though my hair. “You need to be strong for Ava.”
“Ava’s a strong girl.”
“Ava woke up screaming in her sleep two nights in a row. She’s not okay.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“Why weren’t you here?” I look at her as the blood begins to boil again, wanting to ask her if she was with him. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. I’m going to sleep.”