“Blake is only my friend, and I love your son. The only person you have to be pissed at is yourself!”
Bryce is cut off by a shrill, angry cry.
Judson’s attention shifts to JC, dropping his clenched fist at his side.
“You should go,” I demand.
“Come on, Blakely, you can’t do this.” The panic on his face and in his voice nearly breaks me. “I want to be part of his life and yours.”
I look back at Bryce and then to Judson, “You should both go.”
Bryce nods, “I’ll call you later.”
JC’s screaming seems to go up a couple octaves, and I leave Judson standing in the kitchen with a small cut under his eye.
I scoop him up and pat his back as his cries calm. I can feel Judson’s presence behind me as he brushes his hand over his soft baby hair. I’m pissed as hell at him right now, but my anger starts to dissolve as JC calms and looks around.
“He is beautiful.” He says as JC scopes him out, looking all around. I roll my eyes at him, still obviously irritated at him. I switch JC to my left arm to grab a bag of milk out of the fridge to warm up. I know he will cry if I sit him down, and I’m pretty strong with my forearm even though I can’t use my hand.
“Let me take him.”
I stare at Judson for a moment before reluctantly passing JC over to him.
JC wiggles around in his arms, making cooing sounds.
“Mama getting you some food, little man.” He walks over to the couch and sits down while still whispering and talking to him.
I return to the couch with a bottle, “Do you want me to feed him?” I ask.
He grabs the bottle from my hand and sticks it into his mouth.
“That little turkey never drinks from a bottle for me. You got lucky.” Judson smiles at me without taking his eyes off JC.
“Why won’t he take the bottle from you?”
“Because he prefers my boobs.” I point to my chest area.
“He’s definitely my son then.” I roll my eyes because that is the most “Judson” comment I’ve ever heard.
This is what I have dreamed about since the moment I found out I was pregnant. I’ve pictured this moment in my head over and over again, hoping this day would come. Now that it’s here, I can’t help but feel fear. Fear that he will leave him, leave us. Fear that I will lose JC to him. Fear that we won’t be enough. After months and months of therapy, I’m finally happy. I feel like I don’t need a guy in my life to happy, well, only my son. I’m satisfied with who I am, and I can’t help but wonder if we’d be better off alone.
Looking at Judson being so attentive with JC, I think back to when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. Literally scared to death something would go wrong. The doctor sensed my anxiety and recommended I see a therapist. I had horrible dreams, dreams about losing him. Nightmares that I would wake up in a pool of blood, that he was stillborn. I went to the high-risk doctor due to my history, and he assured me that everything was okay and that my constant worrying wasn’t helping.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks me as I pull myself out of my zone.
“Just how lucky I am to have him.” I nod toward JC.
“What are we going to do, Blake?” He looks to me, and I shrug.
“You can’t expect me to just walk away. I don’t know where we stand, but I know where I stand with him.”
I take JC from him, rocking him into my arms. I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I think you should go. I just need time to think about what to do about this whole situation, and my judgment is cloudy when you are here.”
“Are you saying you don’t think having his dad in his life is the right thing?”
“No, I’m saying I don’t know how we all fit together yet.”