"Also, Blakely, Dakota emailed me. He is worried about you, he hasn't heard from you since... well, you know. That day."
He emailed my boss? Of course, he did. Oh, the joys of living in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I offer him a smile and thank him for everything before barreling out of the building before I have to speak to anyone else.
It's been months since the funeral. I can barely remember it. I feel like I went through the entire thing in a daze. For the most part, the three days between the wedding and the funeral were utterly silent. Dad had his own problems, but he never put anything above me. I was number one, and I knew it, a spitting image of him. My long dark hair the same color as his, and most everything else came from him too. My mom and my dad got divorced when I was five years old. At the time, I didn't understand, but now I know that it was inevitable, and it was a matter of time before they both found true love with other people. My dad more quickly than my mom. She had to plow through four marriages before she discovered my stepdad, Jason. My mother struggled much like my dad for years, and I spent a lot of time at my grandmother's house in the city while she worked. I saw my dad every other weekend and a little more when I got to high school.
I feel like he was taken from me, and it's not fair. I didn't get enough time. What's even worse is, looking back, I cared about everything else more. Am I pretty enough? Do these clothes look expensive enough? Am I skinny enough?
I spent too many of my teenage years wearing a mask and hiding who I really was to make sure I fit in. It didn't take long to get any boy's attention. After finally hooking up with Dakota, It wasn't long before it took over my life. I made sure I was doing everything to ensure his happiness and forgot about myself.
I glance over at my broken phone in the cupholder. I had insurance, but I haven't wanted to get it fixed. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone about what happened. My best friend, Camille, has come by my mom's house a few times to check on me, but I haven't had much to say to her. She has held down the "best friend" spot since freshman year of high school and has always been there for me. Her boyfriend Brayden was Dakota's friend.
Shit. Dakota.
I need to talk to him. It's just easier to push him to the back of my mind. I feel so guilty about what happened. Actually, I feel a lot of things, none of which are healthy. I whip my car back into the gravel driveway at my mom's. I'm fairly sure at least an hour has gone by. I contemplate going inside but ultimately decide to drive to Cami's House.
"Hey girlie," she sings as I walk through the door. I smile and look down at Kaycee, her daughter. The cutest little baby girl, possibly ever, with light brown bouncy curls and blue eyes.
"I'm so glad you came by, Brayden is working a double, and we are so bored!" I just smile at her, and she looks down at the remote in her lap. I realize I am making her uncomfortable, but I honestly don't know what to say yet.
"My boss put me on a two week leave today." I tell her, ashamed. She slides over on the couch and puts her arms around me, and I burst into tears. Aside from Dakota, she has always been my safe place. She keeps whispering in my ear, telling me it's all going to be ok, but I can't seem to get it together, so I just continue sobbing into her dark brown curls. This whole mother thing looks good on her. Of course, having a baby at seventeen wasn't easy, but it's been nearly two years, and she has found a way to make it look easy. It's been five long months, but here I am again dumping it all out. Kaycee is looking at me like I am completely nuts. Maybe I am, especially if a toddler can sense it.
Cami slips into the kitchen and returns with two glasses of lemonade.
"Have you talked to Dakota?" She asks but doesn't look at me, afraid of my reaction.
"Not since the church."
Silence.
She looks me dead in the eye, scalding me with her “mom” look.
"Don't you think you should?"
I don't respond. Instead, I take a long sip of lemonade and look the other way.
"Blakely, you are my best friend, and I love you, but you have to talk to him."
"I know." She's right, but I am not ready. "I don't think I am ready to talk."
I just can't face him. I can't look him in the eye and tell him the truth, not yet.
"Honey, you may not ever be ready, but he still loves you. He thinks you are coming back. If you aren't, you need to let him go."
I left him. Standing in the church in a black tux alone. I wasn't ready for something so permanent; everything felt too permanent. Death and Marriage were just too much. Some of our friends had recently gotten married, and Cami and Brayden had a baby. All Dakota ever wanted was a family, and I took that from him that day. We had been on and off again since Junior year of high school and had just gotten back together weeks before he proposed. It just didn't feel right. I love him, but I don't think I can love him the way he needs. Dakota was all I'd ever really known. Aside from Austin, a boy I met at college on one of the "Dakota breaks." Dakota was my normal. I just don't think I want normal anymore.
"Maybe you should get away from here for a while, like a mini-vacation. I don't think being in this town is helping you." Cami is waving her hand in front of my face, Earth to Blakely.
Cami is absolutely right. I need to get away from here, away from everything. Maybe being alone will give me a different perspective than this same small town with these same small-minded people.
CHAPTER 2
BLAKELY
October 31
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Mom asks as I fling a suitcase in the back of my tiny Volkswagen Beetle.
"I need to do this, mom. I'll be back soon, I just need to go... I can't spend another day here."