Then again, what was I expecting her to say? To profess her love for me?
I listen to the sound of her footsteps until they die down. I gather my clothes and head to the bedroom. I know there will be no sleeping tonight but, hopefully, I can just keep my eyes closed and not think about Lilly. Even that seems impossible.
Chapter Eleven
Lilly
“I’m sorry, but this is not right,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice down.
We’re having the same conversation again. Even the circumstances of it are the same, hiding in the guestroom, trying to be as silent as possible, so Marley wouldn’t overhear us.
“I know this is mostly my fault, but– “
“Why do you think it’s your fault?” he interrupts me. “We’re both in this.”
“No,” I shake my head.
We’re both sitting on the bed, and it feels way too intimate. I would rather have this conversation at the kitchen table, where we would be separated, looking at each other, than be able to touch or hug each other like this. I feel too drawn to him. The memory of his kisses and his touch is still fresh in my mind, and it takes all my conscious effort not to wrap my arms around him.
“I was the one who crossed the line,” I tell him. “You are my employer. I am taking care of your daughter, for Christ's sake.”
I feel like I’m allowing bitterness to wash over me. I’m angry because I’m starting to fall for him more and more, and no matter how hard I try to keep away from him, it seems that there is only one way I can achieve this.
I inhale deeply before saying my next sentence. “That is why I think the best thing would be for you to find another nanny.”
I don’t like this. I don’t want to do this. But I can’t fall in love with a man who will never love me back. I just can’t risk it. I thought I didn’t feel anything for him, but I know better now. I have to protect myself.
“I can’t do that,” he says, not taking his eyes off me. His entire body is turned to me, as if looming over me.
“What do you mean you can’t?” I wonder. “I can refer someone, a good friend actually, who is very conscientious about– “
“No,” he cuts me off, shaking his head. “I don’t want someone else. I mean, Marley doesn’t need someone else. She needs you. She’s gotten to know you, and she likes you. Do you know how rare that is with her?”
“I know, but…” I feel bad about Marley. In this short period of time, I truly came to love her, not only like her. I can’t imagine what my days would be without her, but I can’t risk falling for him even harder than I’ve already fallen now. “We can’t keep doing this,” I finish my thought.
“I know,” he nods.
“What if Marley walked in on us?” I ask. “I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be to explain that shitstorm to her in a way she would understand.”
“Yeah,” he nods again, raking his fingers through his hair.
Dammit, he looks so tempting in this home edition, just wearing a simple t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. His muscles are even more prominent now, and I remember how hard he squeezed me, unwilling to let go.
“We can’t risk that happening,” I remind him again, just in case. “Besides, you’re my boss. Sleeping with your boss is like the last thing you should be doing.”
He doesn’t say anything to that, but I’m sure he agrees. At least, up to a certain point.
“You’re right about everything,” he finally tells me. “Apart from one thing.”
“What’s that?” I ask, tilting my head a little, as if to take a closer look at him.
“It’s not your fault,” he reveals. “It’s mine.”
“Yes,” I frown. “You’re the boss, the man and you’re older. I remember.”
I still don’t like his reasoning, but then again, I reverted to the same reasoning myself, just with different arguments. We seem to have committed the same crime. We’re equally to blame.