If I can’t get pregnant, is that a sign from the universe that I shouldn’t be a mother? I know I want to be a mom. I know I love kids and the idea of a biological child, a child that’s genetically part of me is a yearning so deep in my soul, it’s something I can’t ignore.
My phone vibrates with a text. It’ll either be Emma or Mel checking to find out if I got my period and I’m not ready to admit my failure to anyone yet, so I ignore it. I know they mean well and I’m thankful for their support, but I need time to wrap my head around it before I share the news with anyone else, no matter how well-meaning they are. It vibrates again, so without looking at the screen I flip it over and tuck it beneath the couch cushion.
Cramping in my lower abdomen increases as the afternoon wears on, so I grab the heat pack and throw it in the microwave to heat, take a couple of Midol, and grab the bar of chocolate I allow myself for such an occasion. My phone vibrates again, but I ignore it.
Making myself comfortable on my couch, I grab my supplies and begin working on another cap to build up a fresh collection for my next volunteer shift. Choosing the super-soft pink yarn, I get lost in the stitches and rows, nibbling on my chocolate in between. Before I know it, the cap is finished and I’m ready to fasten off. I leave a six-inch tail, cut the yarn and pull it through the final loop, tightening the end. Knowing I’m helping a tiny baby who’s struggling in his or her first few weeks of life gives me a sense of satisfaction each time I complete a cap. I’m sure it seems trivial to some, but I love that I’m helping even the tiniest bit.
A knock sounds on my door, startling me. I frown as I run through my plans for this weekend. I’m not expecting anyone unless Emma got sick of waiting for me to return her text. Mel’s working, so I know it’s not her. As I swing the door open, I start with my excuse. “Em—” My words die on my tongue as I lay eyes on the one and only AJ. He’s holding up a bag of takeout which smells delicious as he gives me a sexy smile.
“Sorry. Not Emma,” he announces as he steps inside, pressing his soft lips to my cheek, his bristles a stark contrast against my skin. He wanders into my home as though he’s my best friend and drops by all the time.
I shake myself out of my stupor to close the door and follow him in. “Uh, what are you doing here? More importantly,howdo you know where I live?”
I narrow my eyes when I meet him in my kitchen as he opens and closes cupboards in search of something. “Where do you keep … oh, here they are.” He grabs two plates and places them on the counter. “I’m a hacker, Sarah. Or did you forget? It took me all of thirty seconds to find you.” He reminds me as he raises a single brow while continuing with his quest to serve dinner for both of us, as if it’s no big deal he’s turned up at my apartment completely unannounced and unexpected. So far I haven’t picked up on any psycho vibes, but maybe I missed them.
I cross my arms and clear my throat. “Please tell me how you being a hacker explains why you’ve turned up on my doorstep on a Saturday night with dinner?”
“You didn’t answer my texts. The fact you didn’t, suggests you started your period. I thought I’d come and keep you company since I figured you’re probably feeling disappointed.” My heart stutters at his thoughtfulness. He scoops equal amounts of food onto each plate as I watch the play of the muscles in his forearms.Tasty. And I’m not talking about the food.
As sweet as his gesture is, this wasn’t part of the deal, and I can’t afford to spend additional time with him outside of our arrangement. It was bad enough sharing the afternoon with him at the beach. Watching him play with my niece and nephews as though he’d known them all their lives. Having his eyes caressing every single inch of my body. Yes, I felt them. He thought he was being discreet behind those aviators of his, but I felt the burn of his gaze as though he’d traced my flesh with his fingers. It was too much. My heart’s already trying to engage. Then I had to deal with Emma swooning over how handsome he is and maybe I should reconsider my methods for getting pregnant.
I’m baffled as to how he thought I’d be okay with him knowing where I live. I thought I’d made it clear I wasn’t prepared to have him in my space by using a hotel each time we met. “AJ, can you stop for a minute and look at me.” I try to soften my posture, so I uncross my arms, dropping them to my side.
He collects the loaded plates as he looks at me. “Do you mind grabbing the cutlery?”
I huff out a breath but grab the necessary cutlery and follow him to my small dining table. “AJ?”
“If you want me to apologize, I’m not going to. I promised I would support you with your pregnancy plan. This is me supporting you.”
The stiffness in my body evaporates and my lips fight to spread in a grin. I think my ovaries are swooning. “Thank you. Even if this is a little … unexpected.” Crazy is the word I actually want to use, but he’s being thoughtful, sweet even.
“I hope you like Thai. Eat up.” He points to my plate with his fork.
My stomach growls at the delicious smell of lemongrass and chili, mixed with the sweet scent of jasmine rice. “I do. Thanks for all this. You really didn’t have to. It’s not part of our deal.” He raises his hand, flicking his wrist as if to erase my words and I take a forkful of the delicious chicken curry with rice, moaning at the flavors. “It’s been such a long time since I’ve had Thai takeout. I’d forgotten how much I love it.”
“Good. I figured most people like Thai, and if you didn’t like it, I’d just order something different.” He takes a bite of food, chews, and swallows; I watch as his Adam’s apple bobs. “How are you feeling?”
My mood instantly drops and my shoulders sag forward. “Disappointed would probably be the first word to come to mind, along with a few others. I’ve spent the day reminding myself these things take time and I need to be patient. That it will all be worth it in the end.” I shrug. “I’m also very aware that the longer this takes, the more I’m imposing on your valuable time.”
“Well, there’s no need to worry about that. None of this is an imposition at all. I told you I’m with you until you get the result you’re looking for. I meant it, Sarah.”
I nod.See, Sarah. Remember, he’s only in this to get you pregnant. Lock that heart away, girl.
I need to change the subject before I drown in my thoughts. “Did you go climbing today?”
“Yeah. I have this place that’s not too far out of the city; I visit whenever I can. It has a couple of different routes that vary in difficulty, so it’s a favorite of mine.”
Vivid images of AJ, shirtless and glistening with sweat fill my mind. His muscles straining and shifting as he scales a rock face; the sheer masculine strength required to pull your body weight upward against the forces of gravity. My eyes drop to his sexy forearms and hands, imagining his skilled fingers working over my body. Heat fills my face and I push back from the table. “Uh, did you want a glass of water?”
AJ chuckles. “Sure. Thanks.”
Placing a glass of water in front of AJ and one in front of my dinner, I take my seat again and try to block out the images of him reaching for his next hold, instead concentrating on eating my meal.
“This is a nice place.”
I lift my eyes, glancing at AJ while he studies my apartment. “Thank you. It’s small but it’s cozy and it’s all mine. Well, it mostly belongs to the bank, but it’ll be all mine one day.”
He grins and tips his chin toward my couch. “Are you making another cap?”