I give him the same lies I told Duke and tried to tell Brittany, only I aim to make them sound more convincing, adding some enthusiasm when I say, “I’ve been good. How are you?”
“Excited to start my career,” he tells me before leaning close to add, “and to end this one.”
I grin back at him as he casts a derisive look down at the tight neon blue briefs he’s wearing, but all I can think about is how his breath felt against my ear, and how it reminds me of that night we slept together in my bed. I never knew yearning was such a physical feeling as well as an emotional one.
“You remember Kelly?” I ask, once again remembering that she’s with me.
“Of course,” he says, shaking her hand. “Would the two of you like a picture?”
“How about if I get a picture of you two together?” she asks, holding out her hand to take my phone.
While she’s lining up the shot, and Adrian is putting his arm around me and pulling me in against his bare chest, Trevor comes up. “Autumn! How are you doing?” He reaches for me and gives me a big bear hug as soon as I step away from Adrian. More bare chest. Another scent that conjures memories from thin air.
The two of them hold me between them, Trevor’s arm around my waist and Adrian’s over my shoulder, and it takes enormous effort to smile. Why does this hurt so badly?
“It’s great to see you,” Trevor says, keeping his arm around me even after Kelly is done snapping pictures.
“You too. Both of you. I heard you’re leaving soon?”
“Raleigh, here we come,” Trevor says.
“I’m so excited for you both!” It’s true. Deep inside, I’m happy that they’re following their dreams; I just wish their dreams weren’t taking them so far away.
“How’ve you been?” Trevor asks, releasing his hold on me to step back, but immediately taking my hand, keeping us connected. “What’s new?”
“Oh, not too much. Nothing, really —”
Trevor’s looking over my shoulder. “Shoot, the line is still growing. We’d better get everyone moving through here. Can you come for a drink with us? We should be done in about half an hour, if you can wait.”
“Oh, I don’t —” I turn and look at Kelly, who’s standing at too far a distance to hear the invitation. I want to go with them so badly. I want to sit next to them at a bar, or a table, and let my legs press against theirs. I want to watch them talk and see them laugh, and memorize every detail of their faces, but that would all be a horrible mistake. “I have work in the morning,” I tell them.
If they hadn’t just had their arms around me, I might have gone with them. But now that they’ve touched me, now that they’ve held me — even though it was just for pictures and they’ve probably held hundreds of women tonight — I know that I can’t bear to go to the bar with them. It will hurt too much. It already hurts now, and the only way I can think to try to lessen the pain is to be away from them.
“Okay,” Trevor says, sounding disappointed.
“Maybe we can get together sometime when we’re back on the island,” Adrian says.
“I’ll look forward to that. Good luck at training!” I manage to sound excited as I wish them well. Then, after another quick hug from each of them, I leave.
Thankfully, Duke isn’t anywhere around, because I’m barely holding myself together by the time we get to the parking lot.
“Want to talk about it?” Kelly asks.
“Maybe some other time.”
When we get to her car, she brings out a box of tissues that were in her back seat and hands them to me. The ride home is silent except for my occasional sniffling.
* * *
Life goes on,weeks go by, and things start to get better. I still have no urge to meet anyone new, but I decide there’s no need to rush. I don’t want to go out with another man and have to force a good mood. Whoever my date is, I know I’d be tempted to make comparisons.
Would they be as funny and charming as Trevor? Could they match Garrett in intelligence and caring? Would they be as attractive as Adrian, and as driven to serve the greater good? Odds are slim that they could be anywhere near as big and take-charge as Duke and still possess such tenderness.
I’ve tried to be patient with myself, but this can’t be normal. At lunch at work, I log on to my company’s healthcare plan to see if I have mental health coverage. It may be time to talk with a therapist and get some tools to help me move on.
I’ve taken to eating lunch at my desk. Today, when I go into the break room to get my food, I find Garrett sitting alone at a table eating a sandwich.
“Hi,” he says, smiling at me.