“I’d love to see you there,” I tell her, but my voice must lack the appropriate enthusiasm, because she pauses to look at me more closely before entering my admission fee into the system.
“Are you doing okay?” she asks, her eyes narrowed.
“I’m all right.” When she continues to look at me, not accepting my answer, I add, “I got attached when I shouldn’t have.”
“Ahh.” She nods knowingly. “Happens to the best of us. Over and over, in my case.”
I’ve been feeling really childish about my inability to let go, so I’m surprised to hear this from an older woman. “Really?”
Again, she nods. “I’m thinking about hanging it all up soon.”
“What?”
“Men just aren’t worth the trouble.” She presses a couple of keys on her console. “That’s in my case, though. You’re young. It’s easier to move on when you’re young, and easier to find someone new.”
I complete my end of the transaction, and walk down the hall to the showroom with her words echoing in my head. It doesn’t seem at all easy to move on, and what’s wrong with me that I have zero interest in finding another man to fill their spaces?
I should be going to other types of clubs, ones that aren’t filled with women, ones where I can possibly meet a man who might take my mind off of Duke, Garrett, Trevor, and Adrian.
I knew it was a potential danger to get attached to someone after having sex with them, but I had no idea it could happen after only a couple of nights. I guess I’m just not made for casual sex, and maybe deep inside I knew that, and that’s why I’d been waiting all this time to find someone special.
I screwed that up.
I’m still in a distracted daze as I look through the crowd, but eventually I notice Kelly, who’s standing near a table, waving at me. I remain distracted throughout the entire show, with the obvious exception of any time Trevor or Adrian are on stage. Then I’m noticing every detail, remembering how they touched me, remembering what they tasted like …
“Do you want another drink?” Kelly asks.
I’m surprised to look down and find an empty glass in front of me. “I’ll get refills,” I tell her. “Same thing for you?”
When she nods, I head toward the bar in the back of the room. I’m just going to have a water, but Kelly’s drink is mixed. While I’m waiting for it, I decide on a whim to text Garrett.
Me: At Club Red. Thinking of you. Wished I had your frequent-visitor punch card when I came in.
His response comes in less than thirty seconds: I’ve been upgraded to VIP status now.
Me: It’s strange to be here without you.
Garrett: You should have told me you were going. I could have joined you.
Me: It’s against the rules.
I want him to tell me he doesn’t care about the company’s rules anymore, and that he misses me, and wants to be with me, but what exactly am I wishing for? That Garrett loses his job? Or that we start an affair, sneak around, and keep it a secret from everyone?
Sure, that would be a lot of fun at first —a lot of fun— but it would be dangerous, and probably frustrating and irritating after a while, and I might just end up exactly where I am now, sad and lonely, and maybe jobless on top of it all.
I collect Kelly’s drink and my water, and when I get back to the table, there’s one more message from Garrett that simply says: Enjoy the show.
All of Trevor’s and Adrian’s performances are the same as when I last saw them, but that’s not to say that they’re boring. I’m hanging on their every hip thrust along with the rest of the crowd, wanting them to go all the way when they tease a full frontal reveal, even though, possessively, I don’t want all of the other women here to see what I’ve seen.
When the show ends, I hang back. I’m eager to see them, but I also find myself wanting to delay the moment, because it occurs to me that this may be the last time I ever see them. After their training, their work could take them anywhere in the state. Odds of me running into them will be low, and they won’t be here dancing anymore.
The two of them are next to each other in the photo area. Adrian sees me first, when Kelly and I are about three people away in line. The smile he gives me simultaneously triggers warm and fuzzy feelings, while also making my chest hurt.
When I reach him, he wraps me in a hug. “Autumn. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Thought I’d better see you before you leave town,” I say.
“I’m so glad you came. How’ve you been?”