Chapter Twenty-two
Allison spent the afternoon pacing back and forth in her bedroom, thinking about all that had happened in the past few days. She wished she could make up her mind about what she was going to do, but too many factors remained unknown, and the entire matter terrified her. But she couldn’t put it off forever.
Her brothers would want to know her decision almost as much as Quinn.
She wanted to put all of their minds at ease, ensure that she would marry Quinn, quiet the gossip, have a few babies, and live happily ever after.
Was that what she truly wanted? To live her life the way her brothers were? With a spouse and a family?
The idea of becoming a mother was perhaps the most frightening one of all. Was that why she’d been so determined not to wed? Her encounter with her mother this morning had shown her once again that she’d had the worst role model ever.
Serenity, Fiona, and Vanessa were all wonderful mothers, though. And she didn’t think any of them had grown up with stable, caring parents. Perhaps she could learn from them.
But what if she just didn’t have it in her to be a good mother? What if she was somehow as broken as her mother was?
With a groan, she left her room and went down to the garden, sitting down in a patch of rare fall sunshine and turning her face up to the sky.
She didn’t even know if Quinn wanted children. They hadn’t talked about it. In fact, they hadn’t talked about a lot of things. So, how was it possible that she felt she knew him better than anyone she’d ever met?
In the end, she supposed it really did come down to a simple question.
Did she want Quinn to remain in her life, or did she want to walk away from him for good?
The answer to that was surprisingly easy. Living without him, after having had him in her life for even such a short time, was absolutely untenable.
A feeling of peace washed over her, and the rightness, the absolute certainty of that one fact, made her feel better.
Doubts tried to sink in. She had no idea if she’d be a good mother or a good wife. She didn’t know how they’d bridge the differences in their social stations or financial situations, but she knew that she didn’t want to lose Quinn, and perhaps that was enough.
“You look a million miles away,” Jocelyn said quietly, coming to sit beside her.
“I was.” Allison gave her friend a grateful smile. She was tired of being alone with her thoughts. Perhaps, having been married before, even if unhappily, Jocelyn could give her some perspective. “I think I’ve decided to marry Quinn O’Brien.”
Jocelyn gave a little squeal and hugged her with one arm. “That’s wonderful!”
“Is it?” Allison asked with a frown. “I compromised him, not the other way around. I’m afraid he’s only doing this because he feels it’s the honorable thing to do. What if he doesn’t care about me at all?”
“You lost the luxury of marrying for love when you snuck out to see him in the middle of the night,” Jocelyn reminded her softly, her tone not as harsh as the words. “You’re lucky that he is an honorable man. Even though he’s just a police inspector, you could have chosen far worse. He’s handsome, and he seems kind. Hopefully, the tender feelings will come in time.”
“But what if they don’t?” Allison cried. “What if he comes to resent me? What if he can never get over the fact that I am far richer than he is?”
“A lot of women we know have been forced into marriages with men who, though born into aristocratic families, are poorer than the inspector and have made no secret of the fact they are marrying for money,” Jocelyn reminded her. “I’m happy with my child and my lot in life now, but those years of my marriage were terrible. All your talk about taking a lover and your obvious enthusiasm for whatever intimate things have already taken place between the two of you makes me wonder what it would have been like to marry a young man, one I could have been attracted to, one who could have helped me raise Oliver.”
Her friend’s gentle reminder of how bad things could have been if her brother had forced her into a society marriage made Allison once again feel selfish and childish. “You’re right,” she said immediately. “I got myself into this mess. I have no right to complain now.”
“You can complain all you want,” Jocelyn told her with a smile. “I’m just pointing out that it could be much worse. You seem to care about him, and he seems to care about you. The rest will work itself out in time.”
Maybe it really was that simple.
“Thank you so much,” Allison told her friend. “Can you have a carriage readied? I think it’s time I go and speak with Lucien.”
* * *
LUCIEN WAS BENT OVER a mountain of paperwork when Allison was shown into his office an hour later. His blue eyes scanned her from head to toe, then he stood, came around his desk, and embraced her tightly. “Hello, sister.”
Allison relaxed into him, surprised by this show of affection. Though she’d often seen her brothers be this way with their wives and children, they’d rarely hugged her. She’d always thought she reminded them all too much of their mother. It had been a strange existence, living on the fringes of their families but never quite feeling like she was one of them.
“Hello, Lucien,” she murmured. “It’s good of you to see me.”