Three days of uncertainty. Three days of wanting to talk to my best friend. It's excruciating.
Have you ever had a door slammed in your face so hard that you could swear that the latches are broken and all the glass too?
What if she never speaks to me again? I'll never get to tell her the truth, how I would never intentionally betray her. Without our friendship, I feel like nothing. I don't even know how to go back there. To a time when Hanna wasn't involved in my life. It was a lonely time I had no interest in returning to.
The longer I stare at this fire I've made on the beach, the more alone I feel, even if there are seven texts and two missed calls from Eric. I can't talk to him yet, though. Not until I talk to Hanna, it just feels wrong. I look down at the entire bag of marshmallows I binged and feel a wave of nausea.
The tears burn my eyes as I stare into the fire, causing them to go blurry and my ears to ring.
Just get rid of it.
Ashton's voice haunts my mind as I shake my head repeatedly. My entire body is burning and sweating as I try to remember to breathe.
Don't give in.
I tell myself, trying to remain in control when in fact, everything feels like it's spiraling. I wish so badly that I could turn it off. I wish I could blackout.
A hand falls onto my shoulder, and I should jump or turn in defense, but I can't even manage to care enough. I just sob and sob and sob. Until I realize it's Hanna's shoulder that I'm crying into.
CHAPTER 22
ERIC
"Is it too soon to say I told you so?" Emma cuts a sharp eye in my direction, pouring a glass of tea.
I struggle with not saying something smart-ass, but it's not her fault. I know that.
"I'm sorry for the other night. I couldn't find you at the party, and I got a little crazy."
She sets the glass down on the counter and purses her lips, "Couldn't find me or couldn't find Karly?"
I shake my head, "I don't know."
"I thought you were finally over all that."
Scratching my head, I pace around, "I did too. I don't know, I saw a girl the other day at the Emergency Room, and it took me back there."
She grabs my arm, halting my erratic walking, "You have to stop blaming yourself. How many times have I told you it's not your fault?"
"You should have never been there," I argue. "I should've taken you home."
"No!" She warns, "Don't do that. Don't make it seem like my presence was the issue."
"That's not what I meant."
"I didn't walk around begging for Zack to rape me, E."
Hearing her say those words out loud sends a deep chill down my spine, "I know. I didn't mean to put any blame on you at all. I just hate myself for not protecting you."
"He was your best friend. You shouldn't have needed to. The only person to blame for what happened is Zack."
"Are you afraid of what will happen when he gets out?"
She looks uncomfortable as she pushes her dark hair behind her ear, "I was. I mean… I used to be."
"He has what? Fifteen more years?"
She gives me a sad stare, "Not long enough."